Choir and Choral Music Humour
“Yeah, yeah! I’ve been here before – skip the fluff and take me straight to the index of choral humour.”
On this page you will find humour about choirs: choirs in general,
rules for choir members,
choir music directors, choral performances, and anything
else that might generally be considered
both funny and something to do with things
choral.
Note: check out the Singers link for humour about singers, including all the choir voice sections.
Oops! Get me out of here via the site navigation.
Index to Categories of Choral Humour
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| Principal Category | Subsidiary Categories |
|---|---|
| Choirs | Choir Jokes | Tricks of the Trade | Choir Directors |
| Choral Music | Compositions | Performances | Recordings | Composers | Conductors |
| Singers | Vocalists | Sopranos | Mezzo-Sopranos | Altos | Tenors | Counter-tenors | Baritones | Basses |
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General Choral Humour
Choir 01: New Choir Members’ Aptitude Test
Choir 02: The Opera Chorus Rehearsal Police
Choir 03: Choir Thoughts for the Day - by David Evans
Choir 04:
There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but at Old First Church
there are at least as many reasons to Join The Choir
Choir 05: ... and, as for the Bell Choir ...
Choir 06: The Young Person’s Guide to the Chorus
Choir 07: Top Ten reasons for Being a [...]
Choir 08: The Carollers’ Lament
Choir 09: Choir One-Liners
Choir 10: Handel’s Messiah – the Yorkshire Variation
Choir 11: High School Chorus Jokes
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New Choir Members’ Aptitude Test
(While this was written with a church choir in mind, it should give people a chuckle.)
In order to measure your level of proficiency as a member of a choral
group, the following test
has been carefully developed by experts. Read and
reflect on each situation,
then select the option that will enhance the quality
of the performance.
1) You are in a choir processional and suddenly trip on your
robe and fall down.
You should:
a) Assume a kneeling position and break into fervent prayer.
b) Pretend that you’ve had a heart attack.
c) Crawl into the nearest pew.
d) Begin speaking in tongues.
2) You are a soprano and count incorrectly. As a result you
boom out a high C a measure too soon.
You should:
a) Slide into an inspired “O For A Thousand Tongues To Sing.”
b) Look triumphant and hold that note.
c) Stop abruptly in mid-squawk but keep your lips moving.
d) Sink to the floor in shame.
3) You are conducting choir and orchestra in a very important
performance when suddenly you lose your grip and hurl the baton into the audience.
You should:
a) Grab a cellist’s bow and proceed with aplomb.
b) Without acknowledging the loss, coolly continue and occasionally flex the invisible baton to drive everybody mad.
c) Inform the impaled individual that you have a piece of the rock.
d) Signal for the engineer to turn on the house lights while you crawl about in search of the baton.
4) After all those long, hard rehearsals you show up twenty
minutes late.
You should:
a) Climb into the back row from the baptistry.
b) Read Sister M. Stephen’s pamphlet “Techniques for Tardy Appearances.”
c) Slash your wrists in the choir room.
d) Enter pretending to be a sound technician checking cables, then subtly move into the choir.
5) The person sharing your music in rehearsal had a garlic
tamale for lunch.
You should:
a) Complain of lack of air, grab your throat, fall convulsed on the floor, and mutter “garlic, ugh, garlic...”
b) Pass the offender a hymnal opened to “Purify Me, Lord.”
c) Sing without inhaling.
d) Say “I detect garlic tamale on your breath. Do you have a recipe for that?”
6) While singing, you discover that the librarian has
provided only one page of a two-page hymn.
You should:
a) Hum for your life.
b) Sing “Watermelon, watermelon, watermelon.”
c) Improvise a descant on “ooo.”
d) Try to get a hymnal out of the chair rack with your foot.
7) Inevitably, the dreaded big sneeze occurs toward the end
of “God Be In My Head.”
You should:
a) As you sneeze, stomp down on your neighbour’s instep to cause a diversion.
b) Cram your stole into your mouth to muffle the noise.
c) Try to sneeze in harmony.
d) It doesn’t really matter -- the director will kill you anyway.
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The Opera Chorus Rehearsal Police
(This has been assembled from a number of sources and has accreted over
time.
It originated within an opera chorus, so includes aspects of acting, makeup,
stage presence, and opera professionals in addition to the choral singing.
However, some of it should strike chords, even if other references are obscure.)
The only source that I can cite is:
The New York City Opera Stage Deportment Police
© 1991, The Boys in the Back Row.
(Used without permission, but they’d probably give it if we asked them.)
Summons - Date: [ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ]
Name of Offender: [ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ]
Schedule of Fines
| Section 01: Basic Offenses | ||
| [ _ _ ] | Sleepwalking | $25 |
| [ _ _ ] | Overacting | $20 |
| [ _ _ ] | Pushing your way to centre stage | $50 |
| [ _ _ ] | Annoying mannerisms | $75 |
| [ _ _ ] | Zoning out | $15 |
| [ _ _ ] | Waiting for a bus | $25 |
| [ _ _ ] | Tasteless improvisations | $95 |
| [ _ _ ] | Ungodly noises (non-musical) | $300 |
| [ _ _ ] | Makeup – invisible | $35 |
| [ _ _ ] | Makeup – grotesque | $75 |
| [ _ _ ] | Late stage entrance | $45 |
| [ _ _ ] | Unscheduled stage entrance or exit | $75 |
| [ _ _ ] | Criminal halitosis / body odour | $100 |
| [ _ _ ] | Re-staging yourself at colleague’s expense | $45 |
| [ _ _ ] | Unbridled PMS / distemper | $65 |
| Section 02: Offensive Gestures | ||
| [ _ _ ] | Cloyingly precious | $100 |
| [ _ _ ] | Undirected dementia | $50 |
| [ _ _ ] | Faux-butch | $20 |
| [ _ _ ] | Failing faux-butch when needed | $90 |
| Section 03: General On-Stage Offenses | ||
| [ _ _ ] | Doing staging from old production of opera | $50 |
| [ _ _ ] | Doing staging from wrong opera | $75 |
| [ _ _ ] | Shameless sucking up to principals | $100 |
| [ _ _ ] | Shameless sucking up to staff | $200 |
| [ _ _ ] | Mincing, lisping, or prancing | $45 |
| [ _ _ ] | Lurching or lumbering | $45 |
| [ _ _ ] | Volunteering yourself for staging | $1 |
| [ _ _ ] | Volunteering colleague(s) for staging | $900 |
| [ _ _ ] | Acting backstage | $75 |
| [ _ _ ] | Hand signals as acting | $20 |
| [ _ _ ] | Semaphore as acting | $40 |
| [ _ _ ] | Telegraphy as acting | $80 |
| [ _ _ ] | Blinking lights as acting | $160 |
| [ _ _ ] | Aircraft landing signals as acting | $320 |
| [ _ _ ] | Backstage references to “motivation” | $90 |
| [ _ _ ] | Physically contorting from colleagues’ singing | $50 |
| [ _ _ ] | Performing while slightly intoxicated | $50 |
| [ _ _ ] | Performing while massively intoxicated | $100 |
| [ _ _ ] | Performing while comatose | $200 |
| [ _ _ ] | Stealing scene with animal imitation | $100 |
| [ _ _ ] | Stealing scene while unconscious | $50 |
| [ _ _ ] | Mouthing the words to principal parts | $75 |
| Section 04: General Choreographic Offenses | ||
| [ _ _ ] | Watching your feet | $50 |
| [ _ _ ] | Tripping over your own feet | $75 |
| [ _ _ ] | Watching colleagues’ feet | $100 |
| [ _ _ ] | Tripping over colleague’s feet | $150 |
| [ _ _ ] | Standing on colleague’s train | $50 |
| [ _ _ ] | Assault with props | $90 |
| [ _ _ ] | Uninvited directing | $500 |
| [ _ _ ] | Scratching during a freeze | $50 |
| [ _ _ ] | Falling asleep during a freeze | $100 |
| [ _ _ ] | Farting during a freeze | $250 |
| [ _ _ ] | Obscene use of kneepads | $90 |
| [ _ _ ] | Using colleague as a prop | $100 |
| [ _ _ ] | Staring and bobbing | $50 |
| [ _ _ ] | Shaking from your own vibrato | $50 |
| [ _ _ ] | Looking at conductor, shaking head | $100 |
| Section 05: Acting Offenses | ||
| [ _ _ ] | Failure to act | $10.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Failure to react | $20.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Missing a movement cue | $10.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Missing an entrance | $50.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Not singing while doing stage business | $10.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Mugging for the camera (for broadcasts) | $150.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Questioning director about “motivation” | $200.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Dating the director | $100.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Having sex with director | $25.50 (plus cab fare) |
| Cruising: ( * ) | ||
| [ _ _ ] | – a supernumerary | $30.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | – the back-stage help | $40.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | – a fellow chorus member | $50.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | – a star | $5.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | – a dancer | warning |
| [ _ _ ] | Modifying costume | $10.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Modifying wig | $10.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Failure to wear dance belt with tights | $20.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Failure to wear makeup | $20.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Failure to wear sufficient makeup | $40.00 |
| Section 06: Vocal Offenses | ||
| [ _ _ ] | Obtrusive vocal technique | $20.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Unsuccessful pitch approximation | $10.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Any hint of countertenor singing | $15.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Snoring | $20.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Snoring while singing | $50.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Imitation of famous singer | $50.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | – if Maria Callas, add | $25.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | – if Renata Scotto, add | $30.00 |
| Eerie vocal similarity to: | ||
| [ _ _ ] | Elmer Fudd | $25.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | The Cowardly Lion | $25.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Bert Lahr | $25.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Natural disasters | $25.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Eva Marton (since 1988) | $50.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Death screams (not in score) | $50.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Obstruction of diction | $25.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Ungodly noises (musical) | $25.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Failure to negotiate register breaks | $15.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Grotesque facial expressions while singing | $30.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Smiling while not singing | $50.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Yodeling (not in score) | $25.00 |
| Section 07: Impersonating a Professional | ||
| [ _ _ ] | Stupid questions | $10.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Really stupid questions | $25.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Really stupid questions which increase rehearsal length |
$300.00 |
| Section 08: Presumptuous First-Year Behaviour (Veterans – Immediate Dismissal) | ||
| [ _ _ ] | Musicology | $25.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Historical nitpicking | $50.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Use of tape recorder | $20.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Endless diction questions | $100.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Raising hand after neighbour’s mistake | $25.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Obtrusive foot tapping | $10.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Uninvited conducting | $15.00 |
| Section 09: Annoying Behaviour by Veterans (First-Year Members – Immediate Dismissal) | ||
| [ _ _ ] | Singing high notes ridiculously loudly | $25.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Holding same quarter note longer than everyone else | $200.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Failing to mark | $30.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Marking all but high notes | $50.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Singing unassigned solo parts (sotto voce) | $25.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Singing unassigned solo parts (fortissimo) | $100.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Obvious use of beverages for vocal purposes | $75.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Using a chalk board while on vocal rest | $50.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Being on vocal rest | $150.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Discussing vocal technique during rehearsal | $100.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Discussing vocal technique during breaks | $500.00 |
| Road-mapping: ( * ) | ||
| [ _ _ ] | – irrational | $20 |
| [ _ _ ] | – random | $30 |
| [ _ _ ] | – transsexual | $50 |
| [ _ _ ] | Feigning European birth by “lapsing” into a foreign language |
$100.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Tiresome time-consuming anecdotes | $30.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Bringing the full (i.e., conductor’s) score | $25.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Naming yourself after an opera | $900.00 |
| Section 10: General Toadying | ||
| [ _ _ ] | Insane cackling at conductor’s bad jokes | $50.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Unwarranted beatific smiling while singing | $40.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Conspicuous professional reading (e.g. Opera News, The Parterre Box, etc.) |
$35.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Stultifyingly minute vocal technique questions | $75.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Conversing with conductor in language other than English |
$95.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Conspicuous score marking | $15.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Violent nodding | $25.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Obvious, insipid score studying during breaks | $50.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Asking for interval help from the rehearsal pianist | $50.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Asking to check pitches in contemporary work (after 1951) | $100.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Affected artfulness in rhythmic reading | $60.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Complaining about others’ lack of rhythm | $200.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Obsequiously erect posture | $50.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Standing at fifth position | $150.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Warming up during rehearsal | $35.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Singing full voice in the front row | $50.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Raising hand after making mistake | $40.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | References to obscure recordings / performances | $90.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Pretending to understand absurd metaphor | $15.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Actually understanding absurd metaphor | $25.00 |
| Section 11: Criminal Bad Taste | ||
| [ _ _ ] | Decomposing | $25.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Offensive fragrances | $35.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Selling Amway products | $500.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Absurd fashion statements | $50.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Having entirely too much fun | $10.00 |
| [ _ _ ] | Coro interruptus | $50.00 |
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Choir Thoughts for the Day
by David Evans (The Hallé Chorus)
I know I have better things to do with my time, but have just had a few “rebellious thinking minutes”.
Argue with the conductor about changes in choral direction.
Repeatedly say “Well we did it like that last time!!!!!!”
Repeatedly stab at your previous markings and then chunter when you are overruled.
Add to stress levels of both the conductor and stage manager by giving
last minute information
re availability/non-availability for concerts.
Request more AGM-type meetings rather than rehearsals
– tell
him you find them a far more stimulating experience.
Purposely sit on the platform so as to create a clearly jagged line
between men and women sections.
Look away when someone in your approximate
direction is asked to move to another row.
They can’t possibly mean you!
Look at the conductor with a suitable expression when asked to wave
your arms about
and do stupid things during a rehearsal warm-up.
Lodge an official complaint to your MP whenever your front row seat
has been taken
regardless of whether or not this has been done because of the
semi-chorus.
Lodge a similar complaint, this time to the European Court of Human
Rights,
if more than one semi-chorus per season concert is planned. You must
defend your territory!
Shussssshhh back loudly during rehearsals when Shusssshhhh’d
yourself by the front row sopranos
– it creates a wonderful echo effect,
really gets the blood pressure going!
Boycott any additional rehearsal planned for Sundays (optional or not)
on the grounds that it breaks the EU Working Time Directive.
Tell them you are
a teacher who is also training to be a junior doctor.
When asked specifically to address all questions to the conductor via
the Chairman,
make sure that you shout out loudly in a most unsubtle and
unprofessional way;
taking completely no notice of the dagger-eyes that are
hurled your way in the following 5 microseconds!
When singing in any foreign language, especially Italian, try as much
as possible
to sound like a member of the upper class English gentry.
When finally forced to adopt the appropriate foreign language accent,
try as much as possible to sound like a poor quality Linguaphone cassette.
Whenever presented with a letter detailing your attendance percentage
for any period,
reply immediately insisting that the result be given to 5
decimal places and then demand a recount!
Don’t take the piss out of the Bass section – this is a luxury reserved for the Chorus master!
Sopranos and Love Making… Ask them to be honest – how many fake the high notes?
Altos and Love Making… Don’t ask – there must be something dodgy about women with such low voices.
Tenors and Love Making… Size is not important – it’s
the quality of the singing that counts.
There are also the bitching comments
from the women about how the tenors
just rush to the end and don’t give
a damn about anybody else.
Basses and Love Making… Don’t bother – they are fast asleep with their heads in their copies.
When singing with another choir – remember the entente cordiale.
Stand in clearly defined groups of them and us, making sure that the ladies of
the Hallé make a show
of swishing their two-tone silk collar/scarf thing
in the faces of those who have to provide their own blouses.
Then start up a
conversation about how you agree with the concept of a classless society.
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There may be 50 ways to leave your lover,
but at Old First Church
there are at least
as many reasons to Join The Choir
1. Get a Sunday parking space.
2. Get Bach to God.
3. Listen to the organist play twice a week.
4. Learn to fear Christmas and Easter.
5. B A# E [be a sharpie.]
6. Outnumber the congregation on Thanksgiving, New Year’s Day.
7. Heckle the choirmaster.
8. The audience in the shower is too small.
9. Get a Handel on your social life.
10. Get dispensation to giggle during the sermon.
11. Sing Greasy Peas. [Grace and Peace.]
12. Two words: Choir Party!
13. Let everyone try to guess what you are really wearing.
14. Gather the people, sanctify the congregation, search for your music folder.
15. Start the service being Filled with Gin Spirits. [Be Filled with the Spirits.]
16. We sit closer to heaven than the minister.
17. Snow Not Far from Me Oh Lord! [Go Not Far From Me.]
18. Make a joyous noise unto the Lord.
19. It’s OK to bring coffee into the sanctuary.
20. Wear Funny clothing.
21. Get out of ushering.
22. Have fun.
23. Practice for your halo and harp.
24. Sing the steeple right off the church!
25. Be allowed to tell the minister each Sunday, “How Awful is This Place?” [How Awesome is this Place?]
26. We sometimes sing Lu-Lu’s, other times we sign oh-oh’s and we always sing Amen’s.
27. Meet Hymns and Hers.
28. Thursday rehearsals required. Sundays are optional.
29. They don’t pass us the offering basket.
30. Learn how it was done “Back when Andy was here” [yup. That’s Andy Householder.]
31. Join duBoise out every Thursday evening.
32. Watch the choirmaster get whiplash weekly.
33. God does not detract from Man’s allotted time on earth those hours spent singing.
34. Our goal: 100% membership!
35. Reserved seating.
36. They double our salary weekly!
37. Don’t be caught “flat” footed.
38. Learn why we love the youth choir so much.
39. Some sing low and some des can’t. [descants]
40. We get more exercise.
41. Drive the choirmaster crazy.
42. You say you can’t? We say you Cantada.
43. Drown Us in the Spirits Together. [Draw Us and the Spirits Together.]
44. Learn the “alternate” lyrics to the anthems and hymns.
45. Join the Dancing Day. [Tomorrow shall be my dancing Day.]
46. Clothing optional.
47. Sing Garlic Dressing. [Gaelic Blessing.]
48. Membership fee waived for church members.
49. Contribute to insanity.
50. Be Immoral, Impossible. [Immortal, Invincible.]
51. We need ten-or so new singers. [Sopranos, Altos and Basses also welcome.]
52. We get in the last word.
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... and, as for the Bell Choir ...
1. Join the Bell Choir — Don’t be a ding dong.
2. Join the Bell Choir — Brass knuckles provided.
3. Join the Bell Choir — Be a bell E dancer.
4. Join the Bell Choir — Let it chime, let it chime, let it chime.
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The Young Person’s Guide to the Chorus
This delightful masterpiece of humour has found its way all over the
Web,
and its origin has mostly been lost to those who have reproduced it.
However, there was of course an original, delightfully illustrated to boot,
and a PDF reproduction of that original is available here:
.
It is from Barcelona Notes at the Festival EUROPA
CANTAT XV, held in Barcelona in July 2003.
The work is a parody on the
text of Benjamin Britten’s Young Person’s Guide to the Orchestra,
a
musical work well worth listening to in its own right.
Here is the complete text for your immediate gratification...
The Young Person’s Guide to the Chorus
In any chorus, there are four voice parts: soprano, alto, tenor, and bass. Sometimes these are divided into first and second within each part, prompting endless jokes about first and second basses. There are also various other parts such as baritone, countertenor, contralto, mezzo soprano, etc., but these are mostly used by people who are either soloists, or belong to some excessively hotshot classical a cappella group (this applies especially to countertenors), or are trying to make excuses for not really fitting into any of the regular voice parts, so we will ignore them for now. Each voice part sings in a different range, and each one has a very different personality.
You may ask, “Why should singing different notes make people act differently?”, and indeed this is a mysterious question and has not been adequately studied, especially since scientists who study musicians tend to be musicians themselves and have all the peculiar complexes that go with being tenors, french horn players, timpanists, or whatever. However, this is beside the point; the fact remains that the four voice parts can be easily distinguished, and I will now explain how.
THE SOPRANOS are the ones who sing the highest, and because of this they think they rule the world. They have longer hair, fancier jewelry, and swishier skirts than anyone else, and they consider themselves insulted if they are not allowed to go at least to a high F in every movement of any given piece. When they reach the high notes, they hold them for at least half again as long as the composer and/or conductor requires, and then complain that their throats are killing them and that the composer and conductor are sadists. Sopranos have varied attitudes toward the other sections of the chorus, though they consider all of them inferior. Altos are to sopranos rather like second violins to first violins – nice to harmonize with, but not really necessary. All sopranos have a secret feeling that the altos could drop out and the piece would sound essentially the same, and they don’t understand why anybody would sing in that range in the first place – it’s so boring. Tenors, on the other hand, can be very nice to have around; besides their flirtation possibilities (it is a well-known fact that sopranos never flirt with basses), sopranos like to sing duets with tenors because all the tenors are doing is working very hard to sing in a low-to-medium soprano range, while the sopranos are up there in the stratosphere showing off. To sopranos, basses are the scum of the earth – they sing too damn loud, are useless to tune to because they’re down in that low, low range – and there has to be something wrong with anyone who sings in the F clef, anyway (although while they swoon while the Tenors sing, they still end up going home with the basses).
THE ALTOS are the salt of the earth – in their opinion, at least. Altos are unassuming people, who would wear jeans to concerts if they were allowed to. Altos are in a unique position in the chorus in that they are unable to complain about having to sing either very high or very low, and they know that all the other sections think their parts are pitifully easy. But the altos know otherwise. They know that while the sopranos are screeching away on a high A, they are being forced to sing elaborate passages full of sharps and flats and tricks of rhythm, and nobody is noticing because the sopranos are singing too loud (and the basses usually are, too). Altos get a deep, secret pleasure out of conspiring together to tune the sopranos flat. Altos have an innate distrust of tenors, because the tenors sing in almost the same range and think they sound better. They like the basses, and enjoy singing duets with them – the basses just sound like a rumble anyway, and it’s the only time the altos can really be heard. Altos’ other complaint is that there are always too many of them and so they never get to sing really loud.
THE TENORS are spoiled. That’s all there is to it. For one thing, there are never enough of them, and choir directors would rather sell their souls than let a halfway decent tenor quit, while they’re always ready to unload a few altos at half price. And then, for some reason, the few tenors there are are always really good – it’s one of those annoying facts of life. So it’s no wonder that tenors always get swollen heads – after all, who else can make sopranos swoon? The one thing that can make tenors insecure is the accusation (usually by the basses) that anyone singing that high couldn’t possibly be a real man. In their usual perverse fashion, the tenors never acknowledge this, but just complain louder about the composer being a sadist and making them sing so damn high. Tenors have a love-hate relationship with the conductor, too, because the conductor is always telling them to sing louder because there are so few of them. No conductor in recorded history has ever asked for less tenor in a forte passage. Tenors feel threatened in some way by all the other sections – the sopranos because they can hit those incredibly high notes; the altos because they have no trouble singing the notes the tenors kill themselves for; and the basses because, although they can’t sing anything above an E, they sing it loud enough to drown the tenors out. Of course, the tenors would rather die than admit any of this. It is a little-known fact that tenors move their eyebrows more than anyone else while singing.
THE BASSES sing the lowest of anybody. This basically explains everything. They are stolid, dependable people, and have more facial hair than anybody else. The basses feel perpetually unappreciated, but they have a deep conviction that they are actually the most important part (a view endorsed by musicologists, but certainly not by sopranos or tenors), despite the fact that they have the most boring part of anybody and often sing the same note (or in endless fifths) for an entire page. They compensate for this by singing as loudly as they can get away with – most basses are tuba players at heart. Basses are the only section that can regularly complain about how low their part is, and they make horrible faces when trying to hit very low notes. Basses are charitable people, but their charity does not extend so far as tenors, whom they consider effete poseurs. Basses hate tuning with the tenors more than almost anything else. Basses like altos – – except when they have duets and the altos get the good part. As for the sopranos, they are simply in an alternate universe which the basses don’t understand at all. They can’t imagine why anybody would ever want to sing that high and sound that bad when they make mistakes. When a bass makes a mistake, the other three parts will cover him, and he can continue on his merry way, knowing that sometime, somehow, he will end up at the root of the chord.
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Top Ten reasons for Being a(n) [...]
The Young Person’s Guide to the Chorus [Continued...]
Top Ten Reasons for Being a Soprano
1. The rest of the choir exists just to make you look good.
2. You can entertain your friends by breaking their wineglasses.
3. Can you name an opera where an alto got the man?
4. When sopranos want to sing in the shower, they know the tune.
5. It’s not like you are ever going to sing the alto part by accident.
6. Great costumes – like the hat with the horns on it.
7. How many world famous altos can you name?
8. When the fat lady sings, she’s usually singing soprano.
9. When you get tired of singing the tune, you can sing the descant.
10. You can sing along with Michael Jackson.
Top Ten Reasons for Being an Alto
1. You get really good at singing E flat.
2. You get to sing the same note for 12 consecutive measures.
3. You don’t really need to warm up to sing 12 consecutive bars of E-flat.
4. If the choir really stinks, it’s unlikely the altos will be blamed.
5. You have lots of time to chat during soprano solos.
6.
You get to pretend that you are better than the sopranos, because everybody knows
that women only sing soprano so they don’t have to learn to read music.
7. You can sometimes find part time work singing tenor.
8. Altos get all the great intervals.
9.
When the sopranos are holding some outrageously high note at the end of a song,
the altos always get the last words.
10. When the altos miss a note, nobody gets hurt.
Top Ten Reasons for Being a Tenor
1. Tenors get high – without drugs.
2. Name a musical where the bass got the girl.
3. You can show the sopranos how it should be sung.
4. Did you ever hear of anyone paying $1,000 for a ticket to see “The three Basses?”
5. Who needs brains when you’ve got resonance?
6. Tenors never have to waste time looking through the self-improvement section of the bookstore.
7. You get to sing along with John Denver singing “Aye Calypso.”
8. When you get really good at falsetto, you can make tons of money doing voice-overs for cartoon characters.
9. Gregorian chant was practically invented for tenors. Nobody invented a genre for basses.
10. You can entertain your friends by impersonating Julia Child.
Top Ten Reasons for Being a Bass
1. You don’t have to tighten your shorts to reach your note.
2. You don’t have to worry about a woman stealing your job.
3. Or a preadolescent boy stealing your job.
4. Action heroes are always basses. That is – if they ever sang, they would sing bass.
5. You get great memorable lyrics like bop, bop, bop, bop.
6. If the singing job doesn’t work out, there’s always broadcasting.
7. You never need to learn to read the treble clef.
8. If you get a cold, so what?
9. For fun, you can sing at the bottom of your range and fool people into thinking there’s an earthquake.
10. If you belch while you’re singing, the audience just thinks it is part of the score.
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The Carollers’ Lament
(This was created by Brenda Speare of the Wimbledon Choral Society, in December 2000.)
In our madness yesterday
Under skies so dark and grey
In the village, one and all
Met at the conductor’s call
Wimbledon should hear us sing
Carols to our Heavenly King.
Hardly had we started, when
Drops of rain began, and then
Down it poured, the heavens rent
Brollies made our only tent
Were we bothered? Not for long
Merrily we warbled on.
Slowly we began to freeze
Ice-cold toes and shaking knees
Tilly’s mince pies were a treat
Once we’d thawed enough to eat
Back we went, our spirits raised
Rain abated. Heaven be praised!
People now emerged at last
Giving freely as they passed
Carols old and carols new
More mince pies and mulled wine too.
Would we do it all again?
Yes, just tell us where and when.
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Choir One-Liners
01:
This blooper actually appeared in a church bulletin or was announced in church
service:
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they
can get.
02:
From the choir room at Old First Church, where three fourths of the Bass section
are in the HMC:
And remember – whenever there are four Basses, there’s a fifth.
03:
How does a young man become a member of an amateur chorus?
On the first day in a new town he accidentally goes into the wrong building.
04:
What is the difference between a world war and an amateur choral performance?
The performance causes more suffering.
05:
What is the difference between the men’s final at Wimbledon and an amateur
choral performance?
The tennis final has more men.
06:
Why do amateur choruses travel so often?
Keeps assassins guessing.
07:
The choir for the mentally impaired was not allowed sugar for snacks
and became known as the Moron Tab and Apple Choir.
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Handel’s Messiah – the Yorkshire Variation
(This one also comes from the Wimbledon Choral Society.)
(Editor’s Note: do not under any circumstances attempt to read
this silently or out load
with anything approaching a SW19 – Wimbledon –
accent. It just won’t have the same effect.)
Most of us are familiar with the words and music of this great oratorio
but old Yorkshireman Bill Jones
had never been to a performance, and he tried to
persuade a friend to go with him
t’local Town Hall to hear it, but his friend
declined.
“Nay,” he said, “that sort o’ music’s nowt
in my line. I like a good comic song or a lively jig me,
but I reckon nowt to
this sacred stuff as they calls it. It’s beyond me, that.
Another thing,
there’ll be none of our sort there. It’ll be mostly religious folk and
swells done up in boiled shirts,
and wimmen wi’ nowt much on. Nay, you go by
thee sen and then you can tell me all about it sometime.”
So, Bill went by himself and the next time the old pals met the following conversation took place:
“Well, cum on then… how did you get on at Messiah?”
“Ee well!” said Bill “It were fair champion. I
wouldn’ta missed it for all t’tea in China.
When I got there the Town
Hall were crowded. It were chock full o’ folk and I had a job to get a seat,
but no wonder – it were all them singers — they took up half the gallery,
like.
There was a chap larking about on t’organ although he weren’t
playing nowt in particular,
just running his fingers up and down as if he were
practising.”
“Well, after a bit a lot of chaps came in carrying fiddles, then
they brought in t’Messiah
– well, that’s what I took it
t’be. It were the biggest instrument on t’platform and it were covered
in a big bag.
Well, they took the bag off it and then some bloke rubbed its
belly with a stick
and you should have heard it groan! It were summat like a
dying cow!”
“I was just thinking of going when a little chap came on, all
dolled up in a white waistcoat and wi’
a flower in his buttonhole, and
everything were dead quiet. You could have heard a pin drop!
He had a stick in
his hand and started waving it about and all the singers stared at him…
I
reckon they was wondering what was t’matter wi’ him.
Then they all
started to sing and they hadn’t been going long before they was fighting
like cats!
I reckon he should’a walloped one or two of ’em with
that stick of his.
First one side said that they were t’King o’
Glory then t’other side said they were,
and they went at it hammer and
tongs, but it fizzled out and I’ve no idea which side won.”
“Then there were a bit of bother about some sheep that was lost.
I don’t know who they belonged to but one lot of singers must have been very
fond o’ mutton
’cos they kept on singing ‘All we like
sheep’.
I couldn’t help saying to a bloke next to me that sheep’s
all right in moderation but I like a bit o’ beef meself,
and he looked
daggers at me and said ’shhhh’ so I shushed.”
“A lot o’ wimmen stood up after that and a load of ’em
looked as if they were… well… gettin’ on a bit, you know.
Some
of ’em must ha’ been 65 if they were a day! They sang ‘Unto us a
child is born’ and t’chaps sang back
‘Wonderful’ an’
I thought t’meself – Wonderful? It’s a bloomin’
miracle!”
“After that they sobered down a bit and sang about a lass called
Joyce Greatly.
I’ve never heard of her meself but the chaps had ’cos
they all looked mighty pleased about it.
Then some bloke got up and said he were
the king o’ kings, another one said he was and then,
blow me, they all
started arguing about it.
I was getting a bit fed up when everybody stood up
to see what was the matter and they suddenly shouted
‘Hallelujah…
it’s going t’ rain for ever and ever.’
Well, at that I jumped
up and made straight for t’door. I’d ’ad me money’s worth
and besides,
I was thinking that if it were going t’ rain for ever and ever
I’d better get home before the floods came.”
“Still, it was a real good do though – you should’a come but, oh, I do hope they find them sheep.”
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High School Chorus Jokes
01:
What is the difference between the men’s final at Wimbledon and a high school
choral performance?
The tennis final has more men.
02:
How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
– On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.
– Shows up in the wrong room on the first day of school.
03:
What is the difference between a world war and a high school choral performance?
The performance causes more suffering.
04:
Why do high school choruses travel so often?
Keeps assassins guessing.
05:
What’s the definition of an optimist?
A high school choral director with a mortgage.
06:
What is the difference between a high school choral director and a chimpanzee?
It’s scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with
humans.
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Sets of Rules for Choral Singing
Rules 01: Golden Rules for Ensemble Singing
Rules 02: Rules for Singing
Rules 03: A Choral Singer’s Guide to Keeping the Conductor in Line
Rules 04: the Rules for Anglican Chant
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Golden Rules for Ensemble Singing
01. Everyone should sing the same piece.
02. Take your time turning pages.
03. Do not worry if you do not have perfect pitch - you may find singing less stressful without it!
04. The right note at the wrong time is the wrong note.
05. The wrong note at the right time is still a wrong note.
06. A wrong note sung timidly is still a wrong note.
07. A wrong note sung with authority is an interpretation.
08. A true interpretation is realized when not one note of the original remains.
09. If you happen to sing a wrong note, give a nasty look to one of your neighbours.
10. If everyone gets lost except you, follow those who get lost.
11. If you are completely lost, stop everyone and start an argument about repeat marks.
12.
Strive to achieve the maximum notes per second - that way you at least gain
the admiration of the totally incompetent.
13.
If a passage is difficult, slow it down. If it is easy, speed it up.
Everything will work itself out in the end.
14.
Markings for slurs, dynamics, ornaments and breathing should be ignored.
They are only there to embellish the score.
15. When everyone else has finished singing, you should not sing any notes you may still have left.
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…no pun intended! But this came in from one of our fab new tenors, Ken, and it’s too funny not to share! Read on…
The Following are Our New Rules for Singing.
Please Follow Them Faithfully!
Rules For Singing
01. Everyone should sing the same piece.
02. Observe the repeat signs only if what you just sung was interesting.
03. If you sing a wrong note, glare at one of the other singers.
04. The right note, at the wrong time, is a wrong note. (And vice-versa.)
05. A wrong note, sung timidly, is a wrong note.
06. A wrong note, sung with authority, is simply your interpretation of the phrase.
07. If everyone gets lost except you, follow the ones who are lost.
08.
Strive always to sing the maximum notes per second.
This will intimidate the weaker singers and gain you the admiration of the ignorant.
09.
Markings for slurs, dynamics, and accidentals should be completely ignored.
They are only there to make the score look more complicated.
10.
If a passage is difficult, slow down. If it is easy, speed up.
Everything will even itself out in the end.
11.
You have achieved a true interpretation when, in the end,
you have not sung one note of the original piece.
12.
When everyone else stops singing, you should stop also.
Do not sing any notes you
may have left over.
13. Blessed are those without perfect pitch, for the kingdom of music is theirs.
And a few more suggestions added from one of Ken’s friends:
14.
Don’t look at the conductor; it will just feed his ego.
What ego?
15.
Don’t open your mouth too much; no one wants to see your fillings.
Hmm, I always want you to open up…
16.
If you’re not sure of a note, wait until your neighbour sings it, then join in.
This is quite practical info.
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A Choral Singer’s Guide to Keeping the Conductor in Line
(1-14 taken from an article by Philip Cave in
“The Singer”)
The basic training of every singer should, of course,
include a myriad
of types of practical and theoretical emphases.
One important area that is often
neglected, however, is the art of one-upmanship.
The following rules are intended
as guides to the development of habits that will
promote the proper type of
relationship between singer and conductor.
01.
Never be satisfied with the starting pitch. If the conductor uses a pitch pipe,
insist on your preference for the piano – and vice versa.
02.
Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, the lack of
space, or a draught.
It is best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.
03. Bury your head in the music just before an important cue.
04.
Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you’re
about to quit.
Let the conductor know you’re there as a personal favour.
05.
Loudly clear your throat during pauses (tenors are trained to do this from birth).
Quiet instrumental interludes are a good opportunity to blow your nose.
06.
Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your low C was in tune.
This is especially effective if you didn’t have a low C or were not singing
at the time.
07. Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know that you don’t have any music.
08.
At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting wildly), be busy
marking your
music so that the climax will sound empty and disappointing.
09. Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.
10.
Whenever possible, sing your part either an octave above or below what is written.
This is excellent ear training for the conductor. If he hears the pitch,
deny it
vehemently and claim that he must be hearing the harmonics.
11.
Tell the conductor, “I’m not sure of the beat.” Conductors are
always
sensitive about their “stick technique,” so challenge it
frequently.
12.
If you are singing in a language with which the conductor is the least bit
unfamiliar,
ask him as many questions as possible about the meaning of individual
words.
Occasionally, say the word twice and ask his preference for pronunciation,
making certain to say it exactly the same both times. If he remarks on the
similarity,
give a look of utter disdain and mutter under your breath about
“subtleties of inflection.”
13.
Ask the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the piece you
are rehearsing.
Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it.
Also good: ask,
“Is this the first time you’ve conducted this piece?”
14.
If your phrasing differs from that of others singing the same phrase, stick to
your guns.
Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before
the concert.
15. Remember: softer means slower.
16.
During a long and very meaningful rest, either hold the preceding note a second
too long
or come in one beat before the rest is over.
17.
Find an excuse to leave the rehearsal about 15 minutes early
so that others will
become restless and start to fidget.
Make every effort to take the attention away from the podium and put it on you, where it belongs!
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The Rules for Anglican Chant
01.
When you hear the organ chord, take a big breath and start chanting.
Some others may choose to enter with the organ, but all can be accommodated.
02.
The first couple of words should be sung fairly slowly, but then you can start to
pick up speed.
The only exception to the rule occurs when the half verse is very long.
In this instance, begin quickly and start to slow down as you approach the end of
the verse.
03.
Verses are often broken by commas and semicolons. There are two schools of thought
here.
One school says that you must break after every punctuation mark, even if there
is only one word (“Lo!”);
the other school says that we must observe the “sense of the words.”
There will be different interpretations of the “sense.”
All of the above options must be accommodated in the same performance.
04.
As you reach the cadential figure, stop and take a breath, even if the sense of the
words
moves on - devotees of the “sense” school will continue anyway.
There are two schools of thought here.
The “Bump and Bawl” school sings the cadential figure slowly, metrically
and loudly.
The “Speech Rhythm” school tries to sing the text in speech rhythm.
The members of this group can always be identified by the way in which they roll their
eyes at the B group.
The Speech Rhythm group often has difficulty agreeing how a passage should be read.
They are fond of having the choir recite the passage without music.
The variety of results usually makes the B group roll their eyes.
05.
Always be ready for the Anglican Chant “wild card” which consists of the
dreaded marginal
rubric “2nd,” directing that there is an uneven number of verses
and the 1st half must be dropped.
The general result is usually 80% go to the 2nd half,
20% forget and return to the 1st half.
All choir members agree that King David is at fault.
06.
Singers should be ready for Puccini-esque touches in the organ accompaniment.
The mention of a bird in the text will often produce a twitter on a 1 2/3' Waldvogel,
while the mention of any large animal may produce a blast on the 64' Bombarde.
Smiling knowingly at these touches is considered sophisticated in most choir circles.
07.
All chanting should be concluded with the choirmaster running his/her fingers though
his/her
remaining hair in despair, and the choir members sitting sheepishly with their heads
bowed.
Selah.
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Choir Director Humour
Choir Dir 01: Choir Director One-Liners
Choir Dir 02: “Lyndonisms” 2002-2003 from the Oratorio Society of New York
Choir Dir 03: A Prayer for Michael – the Wimbledon Choral Society
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Choir Director One-Liners
01:
What’s the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.
02:
What is the difference between an amateur choral director and a chimpanzee?
It’s scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with
humans.
03:
How many choral conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
No one knows… no one’s looking!
04:
What do Monica Lewinsky and a high school choral director have in common?
They both suck at their jobs.
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“Lyndonisms” 2002-2003
(from the Oratorio Society of New York)
Elaine Boxer has been taking notes – saving, for posterity, some
of the more amusing things
that Lyndon says to us during rehearsal.
Try to picture
(or maybe you actually remember) Lyndon saying the following:
21/Nov/2002
– Some of you are very eager to sing that… wrong.
– I hope no one comes in there.
It’ll cost you $10 an entrance.
05/Dec/02
– (after a long silent pause) … Do you know where we are?
12/Dec/2002
– I would like to have an electrical connection – during the
performance –
so I can buzz you whenever I want you to look at me.
– Well, that is sounding, um, as we say down south: “it gets
soggier and soggier.”
– The sopranos are all alone there. Anyone else who comes in there
is a Total Nerd.
6/Feb/2003
– That was basically wretched.
– It has dawned on me how few rehearsals we have between now and the
concert, and so I’ve turned nasty.
8/Feb/2003
– You sang a C there with great authority, and nothing to back it up.
22/Feb/2003
– You sound like you need more denture grip.
27/Feb/2003
– Let’s see if the tenors have any memory at all.
– Do it again. I don’t trust you.
– The performance is Thursday. It would be nice to see you there.
20/Mar/2003
– There are three kinds of tenors in the world. And I’ll tell
you about them if you ask me privately.
26/Apr/2003
– You’d be surprised at what I’m thinking up here.
– Basses: when you go for that nice comfortable low note, don’t
drop your whole package down there.
Um… wait… that didn’t
come out how I meant it.
10/May/2003
– Here is a tip: if you sounded like a chicken, you goofed.
– When I look at you, I see mules wearing blinders, to keep you from
being distracted by any conductors.
17/May/2003
– Come on, tenors. Sound like men.
19/May/2003
– This is a total, total autocracy – and I am the autocrat.
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A Prayer for Michael
(This one also comes from the Wimbledon Choral Society.)
Almighty and Most Merciful Conductor,
We have erred and strayed from Thy beat like lost sheep,
We have followed too much the intonations and tempi of our own hearts,
We have offended against Thy dynamic markings,
We have left unsung those notes which we ought to have sung,
And we have sung those notes which we ought not to have sung,
And there is no support within us.
But Thou, O Conductor, have mercy upon us miserable singers,
Succour the chorally challenged,
Restore Thou those who need sectionals,
Spare Thou those who have no pencils,
Pardon our mistakes, and have faith that hereafter
We will follow Thy directions and sing together in perfect harmony.
Amen
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Choir Resource Site Navigation
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