Conductor Humour

01: What’s the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.

02: What’s the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.

03: What’s the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor?
There are some things a pig just isn’t willing to do.

04: What’s the difference between God and a conductor?
God knows He’s not a conductor.

05: What’s the difference between alto clef and Greek?
Some conductors actually read Greek.

06: What’s the difference between a symphony conductor and Dr. Scholl’s footpads?
Dr. Scholl’s footpads buck up the feet.

07: What’s the difference between an opera conductor and a baby?
A baby sucks its fingers.

08: What is the difference between a stage coach driver and a conductor?
A stage coach driver only has to look at four horses’ asses!

09: What is the difference between an orchestra and a freight train?
A freight train needs a conductor!

10: There are a deer and a conductor lying dead in the road, what’s the difference?
There are skid marks in front of the deer.

11: What’s the difference between a dead conductor in the road and a dead snake in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the snake.

12: What is black and brown and looks good on a conductor?
A Doberman!

13: Why are conductors’ hearts so coveted for transplants?
They’ve had so little use.

14: Why is a conductor like a condom?
It’s safer with one, but more fun without.

15: Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival?
The good news: it crashed.
The bad news: there were three empty seats on board.

16: What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete?
Not enough concrete.

17: What do you need when you have a conductor up to his neck in quicksand?
More quicksand.

18: The definition of a conductor: Someone who is able to follow many people at once.

19: What’s the definition of an assistant conductor?
A mouse trying to become a rat.

20: What do you do with a bad conductor?
Stand next to him in a lightning storm.
Stand next to him during a thunder storm.

21: But he’s really short…
Ah, a semi-conductor.

22: What are semi-conductors?
Part-time musicians.

23: If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
Who cares?

24: What do you get when you throw a conductor off a tall building?
Applause.

25: If you see a violin player and a conductor in the street, which do you hit first and why?
The conductor… business before pleasure!

26: What should one do after running over a conductor?
Back up.

27: Q: You’re walking down a road, and all of a sudden it splits into three branches.
in the left one, there’s a good conductor,
in the middle one there’s a bad conductor,
and in the right one there is the tooth fairy.
Each one beckons you to follow him or her.
Which one should you follow?
A: The bad conductor because the other two don’t exist.

28: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven. (Indignant nose upturning.) Of course, I wouldn’t expect you to understand.

29: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
Heck, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

30: How many conductors does it take to change a light-bulb?
One, but, then again, who’s really watching?

31: The late Herbert von Karajan and his wife enter a hotel room:
She – “My god, it is cold in here.”
HvK – “But, liebchen, when we are in private, you can call me Herbert.”

32: What do you do with a percussionist who loses one of his/her drumsticks?
Stick him/her up in front of the group and tell him/her to wave his/her arms!

33: What do do with a horn player that can’t play?
Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a percussionist.
What do you do if he can’t do that?
Take away one of the sticks, put him up front, and call him a conductor.

34: What is the ideal weight for a conductor?
About 2 1/2 lbs. including the urn.

35: How much does the average conductor weigh?
28 ounces without the urn.

36: Have you heard about the conductors’ word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

37: What do a conductor and a sperm have in common?
Only one out of several million work.

38: What do you call a conductor without a lawnmower?
Unemployed.

39: Why did they bury the conductor 20 feet into the earth?
Because deep down he was a nice guy.

40: What do all great conductors have in common?
They’re all dead.

41: Why do conductors wear turtlenecks?
To hide the foreskin.

42: If you were in a room with Hitler, Saddam Hussein and a conductor
and had a gun but only two bullets, what should you do?
Shoot the conductor twice.

43: What kind of idiot has the orchestra tune to an oboe?
The conductor.

44: Give an example of a collective noun.
A plague of conductors.

45: Maestro (to Horns): “Give us the F in tune!”
Violist (to Maestro): “Please can we have the F-in’ tune too?”

46: At the end of a piece, what comes after the conductor’s cut-off?
Trumpet solo.

47: Why do conductors hate morning gigs?
They have to wake up and face the music.

48: What’s the difference between a Ford dealer and a conductor?
The Ford dealer could find a decent Tempo.

48: What’s the difference between a sports writer and a conductor?
The sports writer knows the score.

49: How do concert bands pay the conductor?
According to scale.

50: How do you stop a conductor from drowning?
Take your foot off of his head.

The Dead Conductor

One of the members of the symphony calls the front office asking for the conductor.
The receptionist informs him that the conductor is dead.

The next day, he calls again, asking for the conductor once more.
The receptionist replies, “I told you yesterday, the conductor is dead”.

The musician calls on the next day, again asking for the conductor. The exasperated receptionist says,
“Look, why do you keep calling here? I’m telling you, the conductor is DEAD!!”

To which, the symphony member calmly replied, “I just really enjoy hearing you say that!”.

A Musician Arrives at the Pearly Gates

A musician arrived at the pearly gates. “What did you do when you were alive?” asked St. Peter.

“I was the principal trombone player of the London Symphony Orchestra.”

“Excellent! We have a vacancy in our celestial symphony orchestra for a trombonist.
Why don’t you turn up at the next rehearsal.”

So, when the time for the next rehearsal arrived, our friend turned up with his heavenly trombone [sic].
As he took his seat, God moved, in a mysterious way, to the podium and tapped his baton to bring the players to attention.
Our friend turned to the angelic second trombonist (!) and whispered, “So, what’s God like as a conductor?”

“Oh, he’s O.K. most of the time, but occasionally he thinks he’s von Karajan.”

Max and the Heavenly Orchestra

Max dies and meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter looks at his resumé and says, “Well, I think you belong in the Heavenly Orchestra,”
and takes him to visit a rehearsal.

Mozart is playing violin, Beethoven is playing piano, Paganini is in the back of the 2nd violins, etc.
However, the conductor is appalling.

Afterwards, Max says, “Well, that was great, but who was that grey-haired old geezer conducting?”

St. Peter replies, “Oh, that was God, he thinks he's Herbert von Karajan.”

The Replacement Conductor

It was the night of the big symphony concert, and all the town notables showed up to hear it.
However, it was getting close to 8 o’clock and the conductor hadn’t yet shown up.
The theater manager was getting desperate, knowing that he’d have to refund everyone’s money if he
cancelled the concert, so he went backstage and asked all the musicians if any could conduct.

None of them could, so he went around and asked the staff if any of them could conduct.
He had no luck there either, so he started asking people in the lobby,
in the hope that maybe one of them could conduct the night’s concert.

He still hadn’t found anyone, so he went outside and started asking everybody passing by if they could conduct.
He had no luck whatsoever and by this time the concert was 15 minutes late in starting.
The assistant manager came out to say that the crowd was getting restless
and about ready to demand their money back.

The desperate manager looked around and spied a cat, a dog, and a horse standing in the street.
“Oh, what the heck,” he exclaimed, “let’s ask them – what do we have to lose?”

So the manager and assistant manager went up to the cat, and the manager asked “
Mr. cat, do you know how to conduct?”
The cat meowed, “I don't know, I’ll try,”
but though it tried really hard, it just couldn’t stand upright on its hind legs.
The manager sighed and thanked the cat, and then moved on to the dog.

“Mr. dog,” he asked, “do you think you can conduct?”
The dog woofed, “Let me see,” but although it was able to stand up on its hind legs and wave its front paws
around, it just couldn’t keep upright long enough to last through an entire movement.

“Well, nice try,” the manager told the dog, and with a sigh of resignation turned to the horse.
“Mr. horse,” he asked, “how about you – can you conduct?”
The horse looked at him for a second and then without a word turned around,
presented its hind end, and started swishing its tail in perfect four-four time.

“That’s it!” the manager exclaimed, “the concert can go on!”
However, right then the horse dropped a load of plop onto the street. The assistant manager was horrified,
and he told the manager, “We can't have this horse conduct! What would the orchestra think?”

The manager looked first at the horse’s rear end and then at the plop lying in the street and replied,
“trust me – from this angle, the orchestra won’t even know they have a new conductor!”

The Snake and the Rabbit

Once upon a time, there was a blind rabbit and blind snake, both living in the same neighborhood.
One beautiful day, the blind rabbit was hopping happily down the path toward his home, when he bumped into someone.
Apologizing profusely he explained, “I am blind, and didn't see you there.”

“Perfectly all right,” said the snake, “because I am blind, too, and did not see to step out of your way.”

A conversation followed, gradually becoming more intimate, and finally the snake said,
“This is the best conversation I have had with anyone for a long time.
Would you mind if I felt you to see what you are like?”

“Why, no,” said the rabbit. “Go right ahead.”

So the snake wrapped himself around the rabbit and shuffled and snuggled his coils, and said,
“Mmmm! You’re soft and warm and fuzzy and cuddly… and those ears! You must be a rabbit.”

“Why, that’s right!” said the rabbit. “May I feel you?”

“Go right ahead,” said the snake, stretching himself out full length on the path.

The rabbit began to stroke the snake’s body with his paws, then drew back in disgust.
“Yuck!” he said. “You’re cold… and slimy… you must be a conductor!”

The Cost of Musical Parrots

A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor.
’This one’s $5,000 and the other is $10,000.” the clerk said.

“Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?”

“This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote.”

“And the other?” asked the customer.

“He can sing Wagner’s entire Ring cycle. There’s another one in the back room for $30,000.”

“Holy moly! What does that one do?”

“Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him ‘Maestro’.”

Auditioning for the Hallé

A violinist was auditioning for the Hallé orchestra in England.
After his audition he was talking with the conductor.
“What do you think about Brahms?” asked the conductor.

“Ah…” the violinist replied, “Brahms is a great guy! Real talented musician.
In fact, he and I were just playing some duets together last week!”

The conductor was impressed. “And what do you think of Mozart?” he asked him.

“Oh, he’s just swell! I just had dinner with him last week!” replied the violinist.
The violinist then looked at his watch and announced that he had to leave to catch the 1:30 train to London.

Afterwards, the conductor was discussing him with the board members.
He said he felt very uneasy about hiring this violinist, because there seemed to be a serious credibility gap.
The conductor knew for certain that there was no 1:30 train to London.

The Amazing Conductor

When a young hotshot conductor was making his debut at the Met, he showed the jaded and skeptical orchestra
how well he knew the music by singing all parts of the Lucia sextet during rehearsal.

Afterwards, one musician was overheard whispering to the other, impressed, “Well, this kid really knows his stuff!”

The other replied, “I don’t think he is so hot. Did you notice how flat his high E was at the end?”

A Bishop, a Judge, and a Conductor

A bishop, a judge, and a conductor were discussing their careers, and got into an argument
about which of them was the greatest.

The judge said, “When I step into the courtroom, everyone stands to pay me respect.”

The bishop said, “They stand? I have people kneel before me and kiss my ring.”

To which the conductor replied, “Ha! I got you both beat.
When I step on the podium people look down, cover their eyes, and say ‘Oh my God!’”

How the First Conductor Came to Be

In the beginning, there were only wind instruments in the orchestra.

Then, they noticed that many of the people were too stupid to play wind instruments,
so they gave them large boxes with wires strapped across them. These people were known as “strings”.

Then they noticed that some people were too dumb to play strings, so they were given two sticks
and were told to hit whatever they wanted. These people were known as “percussionists”.

Finally, they noticed that one percussionist was so dumb, he couldn't even do that,
so they took away one of his sticks and told him to go stand in front of everybody.
And that was the birth of the first conductor.

Death – Be Not Proud

There once was a conductor who was in the middle of his prime and, feeling that he had accomplished much,
decided to write a personal letter to God.

He told Him of all the joy he’d had moulding voices, annoying instrumentalists and of his life’s ambition
to create a style of conducting so unique that even he himself could not recognize it.

He then ended his letter saying he knew exactly how it felt to be God.

The conductor then suffered a terrible fall and passed away. As he reached the Pearly Gates,
an angel appeared and the conductor said, “Hey, you look just like Bach!”
Another angel appeared, and soon he was surrounded by tons of famous musicians.
He then walked through the Pearly gates, and there in front of him was a man with grey hair, tails and a bow tie.

“Who’s that?” the conductor asked.

An angel replied, “Oh, … that’s God… pretending to be a conductor.”

The Punishments of Hell

A conductor died and went to Hell. He was handcuffed for the rest of eternity with a scolding hag.

Later he saw Fritz Reiner handcuffed with Marilyn Monroe.

When he approached the Devil and complained of the alleged injustice, he was told,
“Marilyn Monroe’s punishment is none of your business!”

Epitaph for a Conductor

A man and a boy were taking a walk through the cemetery.
The boy said, “Look, Daddy, here’s a grave where two people are buried!”

The father said, “Two people? Let me look.”

So the father took a look, and sure enough, the marker said,
“Here lies a symphony conductor and a humble man.”

The First Rehearsal

A new conductor was at his first rehearsal — it was not going well.
He was as wary of the musicians as they were of him.

As he left the rehearsal room, the timpanist sounded a rude little “bong.”

The angry conductor turned and demanded, “All right! Who did that?”

Where Conductors Come From

A little girl asked her mother, “Mommy, can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?”

The mother instantly thought, “How did my child find out about anal intercourse?”

Then she said, “Of course you can; how do you think we get conductors?”

Greatest Conductor in the World

At the annual Conductors of the World conference Karl Böhm, Leonard Bernstein
and Herbert von Karajan were sitting in the hotel lounge
discussing over drinks exactly who the greatest conductor of all time is.

“Gentlemen,” exclaimed Böhm, “I am the greatest conductor the world has ever had the privilege of witnessing!”

“Not so,” said Lenny, “why, just yesterday after a fabulous rendering of Beethoven’s 9th Symphony,
the Lord spoke to me and declared my direction and interpretation to be the best in all of Creation!”

Von Karajan leapt up from his chair and screamed, “LIAR! I never said anything of the kind!!!“

Recipe for Cooking Conductors

In the cuisine part of the same convention two chefs were overheard exchanging a recipe for cooking conductors.
The ingredients are as follows:

1 conductor or two assistant conductors
(avoid conductors laureate – they’re too old and tough)
2 large cloves of garlic
1 tub lard or vegetable shortening
1 keg cheap wine
2 lbs assorted vegetables
4 lbs tofu

Upon capture, remove the horns and the tail. Carefully separate the large ego and refrigerate for the sauce.
Discard any batons, scores, pencils, etc. Clean the conductor as you would a squid.
After removing the slime and inner organs (mostly large intestines), tenderize it on a rock with a strong
pounding action. Marinate it in a bathtub using half a keg of cheap wine. (No point in wasting the good stuff.)
Exception: conductors from France or Italy. Also, Canadian and German conductors tend to have a beery aroma.
Use your own discretion when choosing how to marinate them. When sufficiently soaked, remove the outside clothing
and rub the entire surface area with garlic. Apply all of the vegetable shortening over the whole body.
Place in a pan with the vegetables surrounding it

Cover and cook over a high heat until lightly flamed.
When done, invite all members of the orchestra over for dinner, and serve with the remaining wine.

Sauce: combiner the ego, seasonings and plenty of ketchup in a blender and purèe until liquified.
Heat and pour over cooked conductor. Bon appetit!

The Flea and the Conductor’s Beard

Two fleas were hanging out one day, and one told the the other about its night.

“Hey man, I had a great time last night, I went to the symphony, and I had the best seat in the house,
in the conductor’s beard. Things were cool until the second movement, when he sneezed,
and I was flung into the soprano soloist’s cleavage. That wasn’t bad, nice and warm and all,
but she got all worked up and started to sweat, and I slid down between her legs. I stayed there and fell asleep,
but there is one thing I don’t get. When I woke up, I was in the conductor’s beard again.”

Sir John Barbirolli

One of the players in Manchester's Hallé Orchestra once had an affair with one of its singers,
who became concerned when the man’s wife found out. Desperate for advice, she visited the
orchestra’s conductor, Sir John Barbirolli, in his room and told her story in sobbing tones.

Sir John, having listened sympathetically, sought words to comfort her.

“You know, there’s nothing to worry about,” he said. “He’s playing better than ever.”

Sir Thomas Beecham

The Second Trumpet

During rehearsal one day Sir Thomas Beecham stopped the orchestra.

“No, no. The second trumpet is playing much too loudly,” he said.

The first trumpet responded, “But Sir Thomas, the second trumpet hasn’t arrived yet.”

Unfazed, Sir Thomas replied, “Well, when he gets here, tell him he’s playing too loudly.”

The Mystery Woman

The story is told of how, around 1950, Beecham met a lady whom he recognised but whose name he couldn’t remember.
After some preliminaries about the weather, and desperately racking his memory, he asked how she was.

“Oh, very well, but my brother has been rather ill lately.”

“Ah, yes, your brother. I’m sorry to hear that. And, er, what is your brother doing at the moment?”

“Well… he’s still King,” replied Princess Mary.

The Director's Wife

While traveling on a train one day, Sir Thomas Beecham was joined in his non-smoking compartment
by a pompous woman who proceeded to light a cigarette.

“I’m sure you won't object if I smoke,” she declared.

“Not at all,” Beecham replied, “provided that you don’t object if I’m sick.”

“I don’t think you know who I am,” the woman snapped. “I am one of the directors’ wives.”

“Madam,” Beecham replied, “if you were the director’s only wife, I should still be sick.”

Women in the Orchestra

Thomas Beecham was once asked whether it was true that he preferred not to have women in the orchestra.

Indeed it was: “The trouble is if they are attractive it will upset my players,” he explained,
“and if they’re not it will upset me.”

Ample Proportions

Thomas Beecham was once asked why he always chose such generously-proportioned leading ladies
for the soprano roles in his productions, rejecting the more conventionally attractive candidates.

“Unfortunately,” the conductor replied with a wistful sigh,
“those sopranos who sing like birds eat like horses – and vice versa.”

The Uneasy Lover

During a rehearsal at His Majesty’s Theatre of Die Meistersinger, Sir Thomas Beecham asked the
clumsy young singer playing Walther, “Do you consider yours a suitable way of making love?”

“Well, there are different ways of making love,” parried the young man.

“Observing your grave, deliberate motions,” returned Sir Thomas,
“I was reminded of that estimable quadruped, the hedgehog.”

A BBC Concert Broadcast

At a concert the BBC was broadcasting, Sir Thomas was to play the Four Legends of Sibelius.
Only three, however, were at the moment available and the BBC insisted on a seven-minute filler.
Beecham declared that this would unbalance the programme, but at last, to calm everyone, said “Leave it to me.”

Just before playing the Legends, he turned to the audience and started to explain the dilemma he was in
of choosing an appropriate filler for ‘that august body, the BBC’ fanatical about rigid timing.
By the time he had cited several pieces he might have played and explained why each was unsuitable,
and had chivvied the BBC a bit, it only remained to say,
“Oh dear, I’ve been talking for seven minutes so there won’t be any need for the piece, will there?”

Rivalry

Sir Thomas Beecham was no great admirer of fellow composer Ralph Vaughan Williams.
Indeed, during the rehearsal of a Williams symphony one day, Beecham began listlessly beating time –
and continued to do so after the orchestra had stopped.

“Why aren’t you playing?” Beecham asked the first violinist.

“It’s finished, Sir Thomas,” the man replied.

“So it is,” Beecham said, examining the score, “thank God!”

Legendary Memory

Sir Thomas Beecham arrived late for a performance one evening and, as the curtain was about to rise,
leaned toward the orchestra leader and asked a curious question:

“We are performing Figaro tonight, are we not?”

“Oh no, Sir Thomas,” the man replied. “It is Seraglio.”

“My dear fellow, you amaze me,” Beecham remarked with a smile –
and promptly launched into the opera, completely from memory.

On Delius

If ever a man could be said to be born to perform a certain task, Sir Thomas Beecham was born to perform Delius.
When Sir Malcolm Sargent was rehearsing his orchestra in a piece by Delius some years after Beecham’s death,
a sudden storm blew up. There was a flash of lightning, followed immediately by a crash of thunder,
which blew the fuses and plunged the hall into darkness.
In the momentary silence that followed, Sir Malcolm was heard to say lugubriously, “He doesn’t like it.”

Lemminkäinen by Sibelius

Sir Thomas Beecham once found himself conducting a rehearsal of Sibelius’s Lemminkäinen.

“In this piece,” he told the orchestra, “you may find it a matter of some difficulty to keep your places.
I think you may do well to imagine yourselves disporting on some form of hair-raising locomotion
such as Brooklands, or a switchback railway. My advice to you is merely:
hold tight and do not let yourselves fall off. I cannot guarantee to help you on again.”

Tragic Opening Performance

In 1910, Sir Thomas Beecham conducted the opening night performance
of Richard Strauss’s tragic opera Elektra at Covent Garden.

Beecham, disappointed by the quality of the singing, urged the orchestra to play progressively louder.
“The singers think they are going to be heard,” he explained,
“and I’m going to make jolly well certain that they aren’t.”

Touchy Timekeeping

During a rehearsal one day, Sir Thomas Beecham was dismayed
to find that one of his players was not keeping proper time.

“We cannot expect you to be with us the whole time,” he said, unleashing his wit on the hapless musician,
“but perhaps you would be kind enough to keep in touch now and again?”

Camille Saint-Saëns

Camille Saint-Saëns once attended the rehearsal of a symphony concert to be conducted by Thomas Beecham in his honor.
Though Beecham found the tempo depressingly slow, he dared not change it with the composer in attendance.
To give the music some spice, however, he slightly exaggerated the accentuation.
Some time later, he asked Saint-Saëns what he thought of his interpretation.

“My dear young friend,” the composer replied, “I have lived a long while, and I have known all the chefs d’orchestre.
They are of two kinds: one takes the music too fast, and the other too slow. There is no third.”

Leonard Bernstein

Leonard Bernstein’s father was once criticized for having failed to provide his talented son
with more encouragement as a youngster.

“How was I to know,” the man replied, “that he would grow up to be Leonard Bernstein?”

Aaron Copland

For many years Aaron Copland earned very little from his compositions.

“Aaron,” a friend remarked one day after he had purchased a flashy new car,
“that doesn’t look like a composer’s car.”

“It’s not,” Copland replied, “it’s a conductor’s car!”

Wilhelm Furtwangler

“Gentlemen,” Wilhelm Furtwangler directed his orchestra during a rehearsal one day,
“this phrase must be… it must be… it must… you know what I mean – please try it again.”

Shortly thereafter, Furtwangler turned to the cellist Gregor Piatigorsky.
“You see how important it is,” he remarked, “for a conductor to convey his wishes clearly?”

Otto Klemperer

Klemperer and Mendelsohn

One day Otto Klemperer visited a music shop with a recording company executive
named George de Mendelssohn-Bartholdy.

“Do you have Klemperer conducting Beethoven’s Fifth?” he asked a clerk.

“No,” the man replied. “We have it conducted by Ormandy and Toscanini. Why do you want it by Klemperer?”

“Because I am Klemperer,” the conductor replied indignantly.

“Right,” the clerk said sarcastically, nodding at his companion. “And that, I suppose, is Beethoven?”

“No,” Klemperer said with a smile. “That’’s Mendelssohn.”

Klemperer, Schnabel and Beethoven

While rehearsing a Beethoven concerto with the conductor Otto Klemperer one day,
the famed pianist Artur Schnabel began to signal his own preferred tempi to the orchestra from his piano stool.
When Klemperer realized what was going on, he promptly stopped the proceedings.

“Schnabel!” he snapped, “here is the conductor!”

“I know that,” Schnabel replied, “and here is the pianist. But where is Beethoven?”

Mediocre Modernity

Midway through the performance of a certain mediocre modern piece,
Klemperer noticed a member of the audience leaving the hall.

“Thank God,” the conductor exclaimed, “somebody understands it!”

Klemperer and Perfection

Klemperer demanded perfection from his musicians and was correspondingly miserly with his praise.
On one occasion, however, after a particularly fine performance, he congratulated the orchestra with a heartfelt “Good!”

When the players burst into spontaneous applause, Klemperer – his smile folding into a frown – interjected:
“Not,” he exclaimed, “that good!”

Hans Knappertsbusch

The Bochum Symphony Orchestra

The great Hans Knappertsbusch once went to conduct a distinctly inferior orchestra at Bochum in the Ruhr.
After the concert, an enthusiastic chairman of the orchestral board engaged him in conversation.

“Tell me, Maestro, when was the last time you conducted the Bochum Symphony Orchestra?”

“Tonight,” he replied.

Serge Koussevitsky

Koussevitsky and Bartok

Serge Koussevitsky generously commissioned Concerto for Orchestra
when Bela Bartok was enduring ill health and poverty.

“Whenever you have a remark to make,” Koussevitsky told him at the final rehearsal,
“please do not hesitate.” This was an offer which he soon regretted.

Four or five bars into the first movement, Bartok raised his hand
and explained something to Koussevitsky in a whispered conference.
Ten bars later he interrupted again and another conference ensued. This went on for several minutes,
until Koussevitsky finally began to lose his patience:

“Mr. Bartok, perhaps you could take paper and pencil and make your notes as we go,” he suggested.
“At the end you then will tell me all you want.”

Bartok obligingly took a seat in the stalls, writing feverishly as the orchestra played.
He continued scribbling for some time after the last movement had ended,
before finally rising and leading Koussevitsky, with bent back and dragging step,
to the conductor's dressing room.

After a lengthy interval, the men returned.
This time, however, Koussevitsky led the way with a spring in his step as Bartok shuffled quietly behind.
Koussevitsky then mounted the rostrum and made an announcement:
“Gentlemen, Mr. Bartok agrees with everything.”

Koussevitsky and the Socialite

Sergei Koussevitsky, the toast of Boston, was once approached at a reception by a Boston socialite.

“Mr. Koussevitsky,” she enthused, “you are a god to me!”

“Ah, madame,” the composer replied, “what a responsibility!”

Koussevitsky and the Clarinetist

Sergei Koussevitsky was renowned for his curious turns of phrase.

During a rehearsal of Shostakovich’s First Symphony one day, a clarinetist, after endless goading,
finally stopped playing and glared at Koussevitsky.

“Kill me!” the composer exclaimed. “It will make me more pleasure than listen to you!”

Pierre Monteux

Pierre Monteux once suddenly stopped the Philadelphia Orchestra
during a rehearsal of Richard Strauss’s Till Eulenspiegel.

“Gentlemen,” he said with a frown,
“I know that you know this piece backwards but please, let’s not play it that way.”

Monteux and Previn

Having watched Andre Previn conduct the final movement of a Haydn symphony one evening,
Pierre Monteux called him over.

“Did you think the orchestra was playing well?” he asked.

“Yes,” Previn replied. “I thought they played very well.”

“So did I,” Monteux declared with a nod. “Next time don’t interfere with them.”

Passions and Age

On his eighty-ninth birthday, the French conductor Pierre Monteux was interviewed by the BBC.

“I still have two abiding passions,” he declared. “One is my model railway, the other women.
But at the age of eighty-nine, I find I am getting just a little too old… for model railways.”

André Previn

One night after a rehearsal with the London Symphony Orchestra,
André Previn retired to the Westbury Hotel bar for a drink with the soloist.

Seeing a young American composer whose work he admired, Previn beckoned him over and ordered him a drink.
“I heard your orchestra a few nights ago,” the young man remarked. “It sounded absolutely marvelous.
It was the night Beethoven’s Sixth was played in the first half.”

“Oh, God,” Previn replied, “that was the night Pollini was supposed to play the Fourth Piano Concerto
in the second half, and he cancelled. We were stuck with one of those last-minute substitutions,
that really appalling third-rate lady pianist. I’m really sorry you had to suffer through that."

“That’s all right – I didn't mind,” the young man replied with an icy nod. “That pianist is my wife.”

Artur Rodzinski

While vacationing one day, Artur Rodzinski chanced upon a radio broadcast of an open-air concert
conducted by Fabien Sevitzky. As the program was to include one of his own specialties
(Shostakovich’s Fifth Symphony) he tuned in despite his low regard for the conductor’s abilities
– and was pleasantly surprised.

“How well he sustains the line,” Rodzinski remarked. “Listen to that balance. He must have studied my recording.”
He had apparently done Sevitzky an injustice, he confessed;
far from being a talent-free hack, the man was, apparently, a great conductor…

The last note was followed, however, not by the expected applause, but by a moment of silence,
finally broken by the announcer’s voice: As the concert had been rained out,
he explained, the station had opted to play a recording of Shostakovich's Fifth…
conducted by Artur Rodzinski!

Sir Malcolm Sargent

Sargent's Orders

Following an unsatisfactory rehearsal of “For unto us a child is born” (from Handel’s Messiah),
Sir Malcolm Sargent asked the orchestra’s singers to repeat the section.

“Just a little more reverence, please,” he asked, “and not so much astonishment.”

Advanced Intellect

One day late in life Sir Malcolm Sargent was asked: “To what do you attribute your advanced age?”

“Well,” he replied, “I suppose I must attribute it to the fact that I haven’t yet died.”

Playing the Cymbals

Sir Malcolm Sargent was once asked what one had to know in order to play the cymbals.

“Nothing,” he replied, “just when.”

The Impression Left Behind

Leaving Albert Hall after a concert one night, Sir Malcolm Sargent
happened to overhear two young girls in conversation:

“How I envy Sir Malcolm,” said one.

“You mean his conducting?” the other asked.

“Oh, no, not that,” replied the first. “I mean his neat little flat behind!”

Sir Malcolm at Leeds Town Hall

After a concert in Leeds Town Hall, Sir Malcolm Sargent swept off the podium and whisked his elegant form
to the dressing room. His valet timed the pop of the champagne cork to coincide with the opening of the door.
Sir Malcolm sank into one chair and propped his ankles on another. One hand held the thin stem of the glass.
The other mopped a brow with a silk square. After some minutes there was a gentle tapping at the door.

“Oh God,” exhaled the weary performer.

There were a few gentle whispers between the valet and the outside world.
The door was left ajar as the inevitable question was asked.

“Sir Malcolm, shall you be signing autographs?”

Another sigh was offered to the Deity. ”Oh God, I’ll do the first six.”

“There are only three Sir Malcolm.”

Leopold Stokowski

The Off-Stage Trumpet Call

After a performance of Beethoven’s “Leonora Overture No. 3” one evening,
during which the offstage trumpet call had twice failed to sound on cue,
an irate Stokowski raced from the rostrum in search of the delinquent trumpeter
– whom he found in the wings, violently struggling with a burly janitor.

“You can’t blow that damn thing here, I tell you!” the janitor cried. “There’s a concert going on!”

Arturo Toscanini

His Temper

Arturo Toscanini was in the habit of hurling valuable scores at the orchestra
when things went badly during rehearsal.

The orchestra’s librarian once noticed that the conductor’s outbursts
were invariably preceded by a furious attempt to snap his baton.
Moreover, it was only when he failed in this endeavor that he resorted to excessive violence.

The astute librarian thus procured a large supply of flimsy batons.
During particularly troubled rehearsals, at which Toscanini might break as many as six batons,
the librarian would be obliged to send for spares.

“Go,” he would order his assistant. “Lumber! Lumber!”

False Note

Many anecdotes concern Arturo Toscanini’s famous temper.

During one rehearsal of Beethoven's Ninth, the mercurial conductor was dismayed
to hear one of the players among the second violins play a false note.

“I would kill a man for that!” he cried, beating the offender over the head with his baton.

Toscanini was soon summoned to court on a charge of assault.

He was promptly acquitted. His defense? “Sublime fury.”

La Scala of Passion?

Toscanini was famed for his temper.

During one rehearsal he grew impatient with the NBC Orchestra and suddenly exploded:

“When I retire, I open a bordello,” he cried.
“You know what that is? Or are you all castrati?
I will attract the most beautiful women in the world for my bordello – it will be the La Scala of passion.
But I will lock the door against every one of you!”

Toscanini and Piatigorsky

“When I was a soloist at a concert conducted by Arturo Toscanini,” Gregor Piatigorsky once recalled,
“the maestro paced the dressing room in which I practised repeating, ‘You are no good; I am no good.’

‘Please maestro,’ I pleaded, ‘I will be a complete wreck.’

Then, as we walked on stage he said, ‘We are no good, but the others are worse. Come on, caro, let’s go.’ “

Toscanini and Beethoven

An orchestra once applauded Arturo Toscanini during rehearsal after he made them play a difficult passage
in a way they themselves had never known.

He looked up, distressed and bewildered. “But for God's sake, that’s not me. That’s Beethoven.”

Evocative Conducting

During a rehearsal of Debussy’s La Mer one day, Arturo Toscanini found himself struggling
to convey the effect he wished to achieve with a particular passage.
Finally, removing a silk handkerchief from his pocket, he tossed it high into the air.

As the entranced orchestra watched its slow, graceful descent to earth, Toscanini beamed.
“There,” he declared as it settled on the floor, “play it like that!”

Puccini and Toscanini: The Cake

Giacomo Puccini was in the habit, every Christmas, of sending a cake to each of his friends.
After quarreling with Toscanini one year, he attempted to cancel the order for his cake.
The confection, he was told, had already been shipped.

Puccini, peeved, promptly sent Toscanini a telegram: “Cake sent by mistake.”

Some time later, he received a reply: “Cake eaten by mistake.”

Herbert von Karajan

Once Birgit Nilsson was negotiating a contract with Herbert von Karajan, at the time director of the Vienna Opera,
when a string of pearls she was wearing broke and scattered all over the floor. Von Karajan and several others
who were present got down on their knees to search for the pearls.

“We must find every one of them,” von Karajan said.
“These are the expensive pearls that Miss Nilsson buys with her fees from the Metropolitan.”

“No,” Miss Nilsson replied, “These are just imitation ones, which I buy with my fees from the Vienna Opera.“

A Player’s Guide to Keeping the Conductor in Line
by Donn Laurence Mills

If there were a basic training manual for orchestra players, it might include ways to practice not only music, but one-upmanship. It seems as if many young players take pride in getting the conductor’s goat. The following rules are intended as a guide to the development of habits that will irritate the conductor. (Variations and additional methods depend upon the imagination and skill of the player.)

01. Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the podium
and puts it on you, where it belongs.

02. When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the music on the floor.

03. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, or a draught.
It’s best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.

04. Look the other way just before cues.

05. Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds.
Percussion players must never have all their equipment.

06. Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you’re about to quit.
Let the conductor know you’re there as a personal favour.

07. Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every opportunity, especially when the conductor is giving instructions. Brass players: drop mutes. Percussionists have a wide variety of droppable items, but cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around for several seconds.

08. Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses
(Horn, oboe and clarinet players are trained to do this from birth).

09. Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune.
This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playing at the time.
(If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your part.)

10. At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be busy marking your music
so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.

11. Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know you don’t have the music.

12. Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.

13. Tell the conductor, “I can't find the beat.” Conductors are always sensitive about their
“stick technique”, so challenge it frequently.

14. Ask the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the piece.
Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it.
Also good: ask “Is this the first time you’ve conducted this piece?”

15. When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your head,
indicating that you’ll never be able to play it.
Don’t say anything: make him wonder.

16. If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns.
Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert.

17. Find an excuse to leave the rehearsal about 15 minutes early
so that others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget.

18. During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all.
Better yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument.
Make the conductor feel he is keeping you from doing something really important.

It is time that players reminded their conductors of the facts of life:
just who do conductors think they are, anyway?

Donn Laurence Mills is the NSOA contributing editor. He holds music degrees from Northwestern University and Eastman School of Music.
A conductor and music educator, he is also the American educational director for the Yamaha Foundation of Tokyo.

Quotes by Eugene Ormandy
(as collected by the members of the Philadelphia Orchestra)

• With us tonight is William Warfield, who is with us tonight.
• ... He is a wonderful man and so is his wife.
• I told him he’d have a heart attack a year ago, but unfortunately he lived a year longer.
• I conduct faster here so you can see my beat.
• The next movement is still in the factory.
• Think of your girlfriend or boyfriend or whomever you want to.
• At every concert I’ve sensed a certain insecurity about the tempo.
  It’s clearly marked quarter note = 80, uh, 69.
• All of you are ready to start so I must be ready.
• It’s not important. It’s only important when it’s late.
• It’s difficult to remember when you haven’t played it before.
• I’m conducting slowly because I don’t know the tempo.
• I don’t want to repeat this 100 times. When you see crescendo, it means p.
• I cannot give it to you so try to watch me.
• I was trying to help you so I was beating wrong.
• The minute you slow down a fraction, you’re behind.
• I wrote it the right way so it was copied the wrong way right – I mean the right way wrong.
• Who is sitting in that empty chair?
• Tuba player: Long note? EO: Yes, make it seem short.
• I guess you thought I was conducting, but I wasn’t.
• The notes are right, but if I listened they would be wrong.
• You have to do two things. Watch it and me.
• Even if the right instruments are not here, we will play it anyway. It’s only a short piece.
• I am thinking it right but beating it wrong.
• I can conduct it better than I count.
• Intonation is important, especially when it is cold.
• It is not together, but the ensemble is perfect.
• Don’t ever follow me because I am difficult.
• I purposely gave you a slower tempo, because I did not know what the right one was.
• Suddenly I was in the right tempo — but it wasn’t.
• Brass, stay down all Summer.
• My bowings are only general.
• After two minutes after this time, and I am already there.
• This is one bar you should take home.
• I never know where I am.
• Tonight is the night when 300 years ago Johann Strauss was born. That’s why this year is important.
• Something went wrong. It was correct when I studied it.
• There was confusion since I stood here 35 years ago.
• During the rests — pray.
• It has no rhythm, but it will because it’s so much faster.
• Don’t play louder, just give it more.
• More basses because you are so far away.
• Relax. Don’t be nervous. My God, it’s the Philadelphia Orchestra!
• You’re looking at me so strangely.
• I purposely didn’t do anything and you were all behind.
• It can either be too soon or too late or not together.
• I go forward in tempo.
• There is a shadow on every page.
• You know who you are.
• EO: There are no woodwinds at Number 6. Woodwinds: We’re at number 15. EO: I know. That is why.
• Start 4 and be 42.
• Did you play? It sounded very good.
• I never say what I mean but I always manage to say something similar.
• EO: Percussion a little louder. Percussion: We don’t have anything. EO: That’s right, play it louder.
• As pp as possible — even softer.
• That C major chord is always out of tune. I don’t know why — it can’t be you.
• Let me explain what I do here. I don’t want to confuse you any more than absolutely necessary.
• That’s the way Stravinsky was — Bup, bup, bup – The poor guy’s dead now. Play it legato.
• (To William Smith) Did you play? WS: Yes. EO: I know. I heard you.
• Why do you always insist on playing while I’m trying to conduct?
• We can’t hear the balance yet because the soloist is still on the airplane.
• I think one thing and say another.
• It’s hot as hell as can be.
• Start at B. No. Yes. No. Yes. NO.
• Congratulations to each and every one of you for the concert last night in New York and vice versa.
• Watch me closely — only one can spoil it.
• Accelerando means in tempo. Don’t rush.
• It’s so legato it’s difficult to splice. Sibelius was famous for that.
• can see none of you are smugglers, that’s why it’s so loud.
• You notice I go faster and slower, faster and slower. It is all in relation to the previous tempo.
• The tempo remains pp.
• Without him here, it is impossible to know how fast he will play it, approximately.
• We do not know when he is coming. He is coming tomorrow.
• Someone came too sooner.
• After one performance it will be perfect.
• That’s the way it was every time I studied it.
• Serkin was so sick he almost died for three days.
• We have to play it longer because there are no numbers or letters.
• Thank you for your cooperation and vice versa.
• Don’t think you are looking at me because you are not.
• I mean what I meant.
• I don’t mean to make you nervous but unfortunately I have to.
• Even when you are not playing, you are holding me back.
• Not one of you told me I was too slow – I know I was too slow – why didn’t you tell me?
• He was listening so I don’t remember.
• I know this music from memory, not from the music.
• I always feel I do it too slow, but then others do it faster.
• Chorus, I am sorry you have to stand so long, but can you stand again?
• Beauty is less important than quality.
• There is a number missing. I can see it.
• That was perfect. It was just the opposite from what I said yesterday.
• Please follow me because I have to follow him and he isn’t here.
• I need one more bass less.
• Yes, the mutes are already on. You took them off in the beginning.
• I am glad you asked me, or am.
• You know me. I’m a maniac when it comes to rhythm.
• I forgive you for shaving yourself.
• It is not as difficult as I thought it was, but it is harder than it is.
• It’s marked accelerando, so you push ahead.
• Q: is that a G or a G# Maestro? EO: Yes.
• Why do you always start after my beat then rush to catch up? Do you want us to stay behind?
• (Before walking on stage) Is the audience all here?
• Tonight I’m going to listen with my ears.
• Muti is going to do the Alpine Symphony this year. He will do it well because it is not very well known.
• I will beat in six because of the distance.
• It’s all very well to have principles, but when it comes to money, you have to be flexible.
• (In reference to Willy Knappell’s death) Death is an awful thing. I don’t believe in it myself.
• (To Kendall Betts) When you have those dark glasses on, I can’t tell whether you’re looking at me or doubling.
• Bizet was a very young man when he composed this symphony, so play it softly.
• Start three bars before something.
• Write it down in your own handwriting.
• (To the horns) The trouble is not with you; it is with me. I have to catch him and then it is too late.
• Let’s start at 35 because I don’t know where it is.
• This is a very democratic organization, so let’s take a vote. All those who disagree with me, raise their hands.
• (To Cindy Williams, violinist) I don’t think I’ve ever met you. Are you Swedish?
• If you don’t have it in your part, leave it out because there is enough missing already.
• Now we will play something we have never played before. I didn’t mean that.
  Mahler wrote it as the 3rd Movement of his 4th Symphony.
  I mean the 4th Movement of his 1st Symphony – we play it third.
  The trumpet solo will be played by our solo trumpet player.
  It’s named “Blumine” – which has something to do with flowers.

Quotes Attributed to Sir Thomas Beecham

• There are two golden rules for an orchestra: start together and finish together.
  The public doesn’t give a damn what goes on in between.
  — Beecham Stories (H. Atkins and A. Newman)
• Too much counterpoint; what is worse, Protestant counterpoint.
  — Said of J.S. Bach in The Guardian, 8 Mar 1971
• I was always touched by the friendliness and humility beneath the brilliant exterior.
  Remember he always bowed first to the orchestra and only secondly to the audience.
  — Richard Arnell, “Beecham Remembered”
• Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands
  – and all you can do is scratch it.
  — Sir Thomas Beecham to a lady cellist during a rehearsal
• Are you producing as much sound as possible from that quaint and antique
  drainage system which you are applying to your face?
  — Sir Thomas Beecham to a trombone player
• Playing a bird-cage with a toasting fork. Two skeletons copulating on a galvanised tin roof.
  — Sir Thomas Beecham on the harpsichord
• The bagpipes sound exactly the same when you have finished as when you started.
  — Sir Thomas Beecham
• I find brass bands have a melancholy sound. All right out of doors, of course – fifty miles away.
  Like bagpipes, they turn what had been a dream into a public nuisance.
  — Sir Thomas Beecham
• I got to try the bagpipes. It was like trying to blow an octopus.
  — Sir Thomas Beecham
• Yes … Barbirolli has worked wonders with the Hallé.
  He has transformed it into the finest chamber orchestra in the country.
  — Sir Thomas Beecham
• When we sing, “All we like sheep have gone astray”,
  might we, please, have a little more regret and a little less satisfaction?
  — Sir Thomas Beecham while rehearsing for a performance of Messiah;
• “Have you heard any Stockhausen?” Sir Thomas Beecham was asked.
  “No,” he replied, “but I believe I have trodden in some.”
• A musicologist is a man who can read music but can’t hear it.
  — Sir Thomas Beecham
• My dear fellow, I had no idea the Chinese were so musical.
  — Sir Thomas Beecham on hearing a rumour that Sir Malcolm Sargent had been kidnapped in China

Band Leader One-Liners

01: What’s the difference between a band director and a bag of fertilizer?
The bag.

02: A band director avoided being struck by lightening even though he stayed on his aluminium ladder in a thunderstorm.
(Seems he wasn’t a good conductor.)

03: We took a collection for our band director’s funeral asking $50 from community leaders.
We got $100 – with a note to bury two of them.

04: Band Director on phone: “Doctor, Doctor, what do I do? My oboe player just swallowed her reed!”
Doctor: “Well… substitute a muted trumpet.”

Band Leader Quotes

A few actual quotes from a high school band director:

01: “Measure your numbers.”

02: “We’ll have two flutes play the solo.”

03: “Everyone, 69! Oh, I mean play measure 69!”

Going to School

One day a mother goes to wake up her son, and he says,

“But, Mommy, I don’t wanna go to school today!”

“I’m sorry son, you have to,” says his mom.
“However, I won’t make you go if you give me two good reasons to stay home."

“OK. First, no one likes me; and, two, everyone calls me a band dork.” he whines.

“Well, here is the reason they do that: you are 49 years old, and the band director!” replies his mom.

“OK, I’ll go…” he grumbles.

The Band Leader and the Drummer

As told to me last night by Cary Gray, a professor starting up at Wheaton College, where my father teaches…

A band director named Ravelli was having a lot of trouble with one drummer.
He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn’t improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said,
“When a musician just can’t handle his instrument, and doesn’t improve when given help,
they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.”

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section:
“And if he can’t handle even that, they take away one of the sticks and make him a conductor.”

Band Leader By-Laws

01: Never disclose how much you're getting for a job.
This way you can pay your sidemen as little as possible and keep most of the money yourself.

02: Always make the sidemen think you’re paying them out of your own pocket.

03: Make the sidemen wait as long as possible for their money.

04: Just before you pay the band, complain to them about how little you’re getting for the job,
the high cost of your medical insurance, etc.

05: Always try to use the same musicians on consecutive dates. Remember, more work equals less pay.

06: Keep your sidemen on their toes; if they get the slightest notion of job security,
make them think you’re getting ready to fire them.

07: Never compliment your sidemen. Listen carefully for their mistakes.

08: Always berate, insult and embarrass your sidemen in front of others. Remember,
the lower a man’s self-esteem, the less likely he is to ask for a raise, or tell you to go screw yourself.

09: Always call songs you’re sure will put a damper on the occasion.
“Who’s Sorry Now?” for instance, is a good one to start off a wedding.

10: Always play tempos people can’t dance to.

11: Call as many tunes as you can back-to-back in the same keys and at the same tempos.

12: If the audience is having fun, start an argument on stage with one of your sidemen.

13: Always find ways of chiseling on the contract. Start late, end early, and take long breaks.

14: To enhance your own image, always let little goodies slip in conversations about fellow musicians.
“I hear he has a drug problem,” is a good example.

15: Always play to the tastes of the minority in your audience.

16: Always select tunes you’re not sure of, and that nobody knows.
The bandstand is a good place to practice.

17: Never talk to the audience.

18: Run a tight ship; never allow the sidemen to look like they’re having fun.

19: Better to bore the audience than take a chance you might offend.

20: Wait until downbeat before you think of your lineup.

21: If people start to dance, switch to tempos that are hard to dance to.

22: Always shake hands on the bandstand to show how long it’s been since you’ve last seen your sidemen.

23: Always ogle and eyeball every attractive woman who passes by the bandstand.
Show everyone what a cool guy you are.

24: Ignore requests.

25: Make sure your raunchy asides can be heard over the microphone.

26: Always take time between songs to tell your sidemen stories about your day.

27: Always get to the food before the sidemen; if possible, before the guests. Make your mark on the egg salad.

28: Heap your plate especially high, and go sit and eat next to the people who hired you.

29: Keep your appearance nice; bring your dental floss, and floss on the bandstand on one of your breaks.