Singer and Vocalist Humour

Vocalist One-Liners

-= vocalists =-= 01 =------------------------------------------------------------

01: How do you know that there’s a singer at the door?
He never knows when to come in.

02: How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door?
He can’t find the key and doesn’t know when to come in.

-= vocalists =-= 02 =------------------------------------------------------------

03: How do you know there's a female vocalist at your door?
She’s knocking because she can’t find her key!

04: How do you know when there’s a female vocalist at the door?
She can’t find the key and doesn’t know when to come in.

05: How do you know that it’s the lead singer knocking at your front door?
You open the door and she still doesn’t know when to come in.

-= vocalists =-= 03 =------------------------------------------------------------

06: How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One – He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.
None – Get the drummer to do it.

07: How do rock singers change a lightbulb?
They have a roadie set up the ladder and hand him the bulb.

-= vocalists =-= 04 =------------------------------------------------------------

08: How are lead singers like lawn mowers?
They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don’t work.

-= vocalists =-= 05 =------------------------------------------------------------

09: What do you do with a lead singer who thinks he’s God’s gift to women?
Exchange him.

-= vocalists =-= 06 =------------------------------------------------------------

10: Why do lead singers need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

-= vocalists =-= 07 =------------------------------------------------------------

11: What’s the inscription on a dead blues-singer’s tombstone?
I didn’t wake up this morning…

-= vocalists =-= 08 =------------------------------------------------------------

12: “Mom, why do you always stand by the window when I practice for my singing lessons?”
“I don’t want the neighbours to think I’m employing corporal punishment, dear.”

-= vocalists =-= 09 =------------------------------------------------------------

13: “Dad, why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage?”
“Because, son, it is more difficult to hit a moving target.”

-= vocalists =-= 10 =------------------------------------------------------------

14: What do you call a girl that hangs around with musicians?
A singer.

-= vocalists =-= 11 =------------------------------------------------------------

15: How many female vocalists does it take to sing the song “Crazy”?
(by Willie Nelson, made famous by Patsy Cline)
All of them.

-= vocalists =-= 12 =------------------------------------------------------------

16: What’s the first thing that a female singer does after she gets up in the morning?
1. Puts on her clothes and goes home.
2. Looks for her instrument.

17: What does a girl band vocalist’s mother say to her before she goes out?
If you are not in bed by midnight you have to come home.

-= vocalists =-= 13 =------------------------------------------------------------

18: What’s the difference between a female lead singer and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.

-= vocalists =-= 14 =------------------------------------------------------------

19: If the singer and drummer got in a fight, who would win?
It’s a trick question. There would be no fight. The singer would whine until he got his way!

-= vocalists =-= 15 =------------------------------------------------------------

20: What do you call a pop singer without a significant other?
Homeless.

21: How do you keep a pop singer in suspense?
Are you still waiting for the answer?

-= vocalists =-= 16 =------------------------------------------------------------

22: Heckler: “Can you sing tenor?”
Singer: “Of course.”
Heckler: “TEN OR twelve miles away!”

23: Heckler: “CNN reports that 95% of all female singers sing in the shower and the other 5% masturbate.
Do you know what song?”
Vocalist: “No…”
Heckler: “I didn’t think so!”

-= vocalists =-= 17 =------------------------------------------------------------

24: “To do is to be” – Descartes
“To be is to do” – Voltaire
“Do be do be do” – Frank Sinatra
(Found in men's restroom, Greasewood Flats, Scottsdale, Arizona.)
(Originally from the opening of the movie Subway by Luc Besson.)

-= vocalists =-= 18 =------------------------------------------------------------

25: He’s the guy who sings the national anthem at cockfights. – a deprecatory comment on a singer
quoted in “The Talk of the Town” feature of the July 18, 1994 issue of The New Yorker.

A Jazz Musician Dies and Goes to Heaven

-= vocalists =-= 19 =------------------------------------------------------------

A jazz musician dies and goes to heaven. He is told, “Hey man, welcome!
You have been elected to the Jazz All-Stars of Heaven — right up there with Satchmo, Miles, Django, all the greats.
We have a gig tonight. Only one problem — God’s girlfriend gets to sing.”

So, this Trumpet Player Dies…

-= vocalists =-= 20 =------------------------------------------------------------

So, this trumpet player dies, and when he reaches his everlasting reward, the guy in the robe says,
“You’re going to spend eternity with this combo, okay? There’s a bass player named ‘Mingus’
and a pianist named ‘Monk’, and any day now we expect this ‘Blakey’ guy to show up with his drums.”

“Wow!” the guy says, “I never imagined Heaven would be this good.”

And the guy in the robe replies, “This is Hell, not Heaven.
There’s a girl singer.”

A Musician Dies in a Terrible Car Crash…

-= vocalists =-= 21 =------------------------------------------------------------

A musician dies in a terrible car crash and goes straight to Hell.

Satan greets him at the gates and takes him to his fate. When Satan opens the door, the musician sees a stage full of other players, even a couple he had performed with in the past. Satan tells him he will be part of this band and will check back with him later to see how he’s getting along.

The musician joins the others in several songs and has the time of his life – all were jamming and making the best music possible.

After the set, Satan returns to see how he’s doing.

He tells Satan that this band rocks and that he never thought Hell could be this great.

Satan then says, “Hold on, the female vocalist will be back from her break in a minute.”

A Female Vocalist and her Accompanist

-= vocalists =-= 22 =------------------------------------------------------------

A female vocalist asks her keyboard player, “I’d like to do ‘My Funny Valentine’ tonight…
but can you think of a way to ‘jazz’ it up?”

Keyboard player replies, “Sure, we can do the first chorus in G minor,
then modulate to G^# minor for the second chorus in 5/4 time,
then modulate to A minor in 3/4 time for the bridge, then cut off the last 3 bars!”

She claims, “that might be too complicated to do without a rehearsal!”

Keyboard player responds, “Well, that’s how you did it last night!”

The Lounge Piano Player and the Singer

-= vocalists =-= 23 =------------------------------------------------------------

One night, a lounge piano player pulls over the singer and says, “Now tonight we’ll try a special version of this song:
after five and a half measures of intro you come in with the second verse a minor third up, go to the bridge after 11 bars,
twice modulate a half step down and halfway in the last A-section you start the tag, but a tritone lower.”

“Are you ready? One, two,…”

“Hell, wait!” the singer interrupts. “I’ll never be able to do this!”

The pianist replies, “But you nailed it last night!”

Chick Singer Offences

-= vocalists =-= 24 =------------------------------------------------------------

Singer’s Name: [ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ]

Real Name: [ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ]

Date of Offence(s): [ _ _ / _ _ _ / 2 0 _ _ ]

Soprano One-Liners

-= sopranos =-= 01 =------------------------------------------------------------

01: If you threw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?
1. The violist – the soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.
2. Who cares?

-= sopranos =-= 02 =------------------------------------------------------------

02: How do you put a sparkle (or twinkle) in a soprano’s eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

03: How do you confuse a soprano?
Ask her to read the music.

-= sopranos =-= 03 =------------------------------------------------------------

04: How do you know if a soprano is at your door?
She doesn’t know when to come in!

05: How can you tell when a soprano is at you door?
She can’t find the key, and doesn’t know when to come in.

06: How do you know when a soprano is at the door?
She’ll have the wrong key and you’ll have to tell her when to come in.

-= sopranos =-= 04 =------------------------------------------------------------

07: How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
1. One – she holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
2. Two – one to hold the mineral water (or diet cola) and the other to get her accompanist to do it.
3. Two – one to change it and one to watch and say, “Don’t you think that’s a bit high for you, dear?”
4. Two – one to do it and one to kick the ladder out from under her.
5. Four – one to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under her.
6. None – she thinks it’s the accompanist’s job.

08: How many sopranos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, she’ll stand at the piano drinking a diet coke while she has her accompanist do it!

09: How many sopranos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It doesn’t matter, the piano player will end up doing it eventually.

10: How many coloratura-sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Her agent does that.

-= sopranos =-= 05 =------------------------------------------------------------

11: What’s the definition of a bad soprano?
One who’s so bad that the tenors notice.

12: What do you call a soprano who can sight read?
An alto.

-= sopranos =-= 06 =------------------------------------------------------------

13: What is the difference between a soubrette and a cobra?
One is deadly poisonous, and the other is a reptile.

14: How is a soubrette different from a sewer rat?
Some people actually like sewer rats.

-= sopranos =-= 07 =------------------------------------------------------------

15: What’s the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and the average All-Pro offensive lineman?
Stage makeup.

16: What’s the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
About 10 pounds.

17: How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead?
The horses seem very relieved.

-= sopranos =-= 08 =------------------------------------------------------------

18: How do you make a soprano shut up?
Stop her tape recording.

19: How do you drown a soprano?
Put a scratch-and-sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.

20: How do you save a soprano from drowning?
Take your foot off of her head.

-= sopranos =-= 09 =------------------------------------------------------------

21: What’s the first thing a soprano does in the morning?
Puts on her clothes and goes home.

22: What’s the next thing a soprano does in the morning?
Looks for her instrument.

-= sopranos =-= 10 =------------------------------------------------------------

23: What’s the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.

24: What’s the difference between a soprano and a pirana?
The lipstick.

25: What is the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
The jewelry, darling, the jewelry!

26: What is the difference between a soprano and a rotweiller?
The jewelry!

27: What’s the difference between a soprano and a mosquito?
The mosquito stops sucking when you smack it on the forehead!

28: What’s the difference between a soprano and a drink machine?
With the drink machine, you might actually get a Hi-C.

-= sopranos =-= 11 =--- Warning: Potentially Offensive ---------------

29: What’s the difference between a seamstress and a soprano?
The seamstress tucks and frills.

30: What is the difference between a dressmaker and a soprano?
The dressmaker tucks up the frills.

The Flea and the Conductor’s Beard

-= sopranos =-= 12 =------------------------------------------------------------

Two fleas were hanging out one day, and one told the the other about its night.

“Hey man, I had a great time last night, I went to the symphony,
and I had the best seat in the house, in the conductor’s beard.”

“Things were cool until the second movement, when he sneezed,
and I was flung into the soprano soloist’s cleavage.”

“That wasn’t bad, nice and warm and all,
but she got all worked up and started to sweat, and I slid down between her legs.”

“I stayed there and fell asleep, but there is one thing I don’t get.”

“When I woke up, I was in the conductor’s beard again.”

Soprano IQ Test

-= sopranos =-= 13 =------------------------------------------------------------

A Soprano Died and Went to Heaven

-= sopranos =-= 14 =------------------------------------------------------------

A soprano died and went to Heaven. St. Peter stopped her at the gate asking,
“Well, how many false notes did you sing in your life?”

The soprano answers, “Three.”

“Three times, fellows!” says Pete, and along comes an angel and sticks the soprano three times with a needle.

“Ow! What was that for?” asks the soprano.

Pete explains, “Here in heaven, we stick you once for each false note you’ve sung down on Earth.”

“OK, I understand,” says the soprano, and is just about to step through the gates
when she hears a sudden terrible screaming from behind a door.

“Oh my goodness, what is THAT?” asks the soprano, horrified.

“That,” says Pete, “that’s a tenor we got some time back.
He’s just about to start his third week in the sewing machine.”

Mezzo-Soprano One-Liners

-= mezzos =-= 01 =--------------------------------------------------------------

01: What is the definition of a mezzo-soprano?
Just an alto with a soprano’s attitude.

-= mezzos =-= 02 =--------------------------------------------------------------

02: How do you get a mezzo-soprano into a small car?
Grease her hips and put a chocolate bar on the dashboard.

-= mezzos =-= 03 =--------------------------------------------------------------

03: How many mezzo-sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
Who cares?

04: How many mezzo-sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but you’ll have to get her off her high horse first.

Alto One-Liners

-= altos =-= 01 =---------------------------------------------------------------

01: What’s the definition of an alto?
A soprano who can sightread.

-= altos =-= 02 =---------------------------------------------------------------

02: How do you get an alto to sing f?
Put fff on her music.

-= altos =-= 03 =---------------------------------------------------------------

03: How do you put a twinkle in an alto’s eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

-= altos =-= 04 =---------------------------------------------------------------

04: How many altos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None – they can’t get that high.
Two – one to screw it in and the other to say, “Isn’t that a little high for you?”

05: How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to climb the ladder and the rest to complain about how high it is.

06: How many altos does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them. One to change the bulb, and the rest to complain about how high it is.

07: How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb?
None – because they cannot reach it.
None – because they can’t reach that high.
None – They can’t get up that high.

-= altos =-= 05 =---------------------------------------------------------------

08: How do you get an alto into a compact car?
Grease her hips and leave a doughnut on the dashboard.

-= altos =-= 06 =---------------------------------------------------------------

09: What’s the difference between an alto and a tenor?
Tenors don’t have hair on their backs.
More body hair on the alto.

-= altos =-= 07 =---------------------------------------------------------------

10: What do you see when you look up an alto’s dress?
A tenor.

-= altos =-= 08 =---------------------------------------------------------------

10: What’s the difference between a dressmaker and an alto?
A dressmaker tucks up her frills.

The Alto’s Lament

-= altos =-= 09 =---------------------------------------------------------------

From Chapman Central
(by Heisler/Goldrich or Bob the Organist, depending on whom you believe…)

It’s awful being an alto when you’re singing in the choir,
Sopranos get the twiddly bits that people all admire,
The basses boom like big trombones, the tenors shout with glee,
The alto part is on two notes, or if you’re lucky, three.

And when we sing an anthem and lift our hearts in praises,
The men get all the juicy bits and telling little phrases.
Of course, the trebles sing the tune – they always come off best –
While altos only get three notes and twenty-two bars rest.

It doesn’t matter what we sing, from hymnbooks or from psalter,
The choirmaster looks at us – our voices start to falter;
Too high! Too low! Too fast! Too slow! You hold that note too long!
It doesn’t matter what we do, it’s certain to be wrong.

Oh! shed a tear for altos: they’re the Marthas and they know
In ranks of choral singers they’re considered very low.
They are so very humble that a lot of folk forget ’em:
They’d love to be sopranos, but their vocal chords won’t let ’em.

And when the final trumpet sounds and we are wafted higher,
Sopranos, tenors, basses, all will form the Heavenly choir.
When they sing Alleluias to celestial flats and sharps,
We altos in the corner will be polishing our harps.

The Alto’s Rebuttal

-= altos =-= 10 =---------------------------------------------------------------

(Author unknown – written on 11/02/1998 in response to the Alto’s Lament.)

The poor lonely altos
So mild and so meek
Forlorn and abandoned
Forbidden to speak.

We’ve begged and we’ve pleaded
For lines with some spunk
We know we can do it
We’re in such a funk.

We smile at the tenors
The basses we love
The sopranos our sisters
We’d just like to shove.

We want to sing melody
We so want to shine
We’re just the support group
And that is just fine.

For when we’re in Heaven
And you all sing your parts
The altos will be there
With hands on our hearts.

We’ll polish those harps
If that be our task
We’ll sing not a note
Unless we are asked.

Please remember this warning
And heed it quite well
Just don’t cross an alto
You’ll end up in Hell.

Tenor One-Liners

-= tenors =-= 01 =--------------------------------------------------------------

01: What is the definition of an octave?
An octave can be described as having eight diatonic steps, twelve chromatic steps,
or twenty-seven when sung by a tenor.

-= tenors =-= 02 =--------------------------------------------------------------

02: How many tenors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
100 – one to screw the lightbulb in, and 99 to whine, “It’s too high!”

03: How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
47 – one to change the bulb and all the rest to stand around explaining
how they would have tackled the role if they had been given the opportunity.

04: How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb??
Six – one to do it, and five to say, “It’s too high for HIM.”

05: How many tenors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five – one to screw it in and four to complain that it’s too high!

06: How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
Four – one to change the bulb and three to bitch that they could have done it if they had the high notes.

07: How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three – one to change the bulb and two to bitch about how they could have done it if they had the high notes.

08: How many tenors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They can’t, because “It’s too high!”

-= tenors =-= 03 =--------------------------------------------------------------

09: How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid?
When the other tenors notice.

10: Did you hear about the tenor who was so stupid that the rest of the section knew it?

11: Did you hear about the tenor who was so dumb the other tenors noticed?

-= tenors =-= 04 =--------------------------------------------------------------

12: Ever hear the one about the tenor who was so off-key that even the other tenors could tell?

-= tenors =-= 05 =--------------------------------------------------------------

13: What do you see if you look up a soprano's skirt?
A tenor.

-= tenors =-= 06 =--------------------------------------------------------------

14: What’s the dictionary definition of “tenor”?
Any baritone who joins a choir that doesn’t already have enough tenors.

-= tenors =-= 07 =--------------------------------------------------------------

15: What’s the definition of a male quartet?
Three men and a tenor.

-= tenors =-= 08 =--------------------------------------------------------------

16: What is the definition of a tenor?
Two hours before a nooner.

-= tenors =-= 09 =--------------------------------------------------------------

17: How do you tell if a tenor is dead?
The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched.

-= tenors =-= 10 =--------------------------------------------------------------

18: Where is a tenor’s resonance?
Where his brain should be.

-= tenors =-= 11 =--------------------------------------------------------------

19: What did the tenor get on his IQ test?
Dribble.

-= tenors =-= 12 =--------------------------------------------------------------

20: If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end,
it would be a good idea.

21: If you had all the tenors in the world laid end to end, what would happen?
The tenor population would be a much happier group of people.

-= tenors =-= 13 =--------------------------------------------------------------

22: What’s the difference between a dramatic tenor, a lyric tenor, and a heldentenor?
A dramatic tenor has two testicles;
a lyric tenor has one testicle; and,
a heldentenor has two testicles but he’s standing on one of them.

-= tenors =-= 14 =--------------------------------------------------------------

23: What’s the difference between a soprano and a tenor?
About ten kilos.

24: What’s the difference between a stuck-up soprano and a stuck-up tenor?
Two octaves.

-= tenors =-= 15 =--------------------------------------------------------------

25: What do a woman in labour and a tenor have in common?
They both strain.

-= tenors =-= 16 =--------------------------------------------------------------

25: Did you hear about the tenor who announced that in the following season he would only sing three title roles:
Othello, Samson, and Forza del Destino? (true story)

The Tenor and his Arch Rival

-= tenors =-= 17 =--------------------------------------------------------------

At a rehearsal for an opera, a tenor saw his arch-rival chatting with the conductor.
Thinking that he might lose his spot, he demanded, “What are you doing?”

The other replied, “Well, next month I’m doing Cosi in Toronto, and Fidelio in Montreal, and…”

The High Cost of Tenor Brains

-= tenors =-= 18 =--------------------------------------------------------------

A woman goes into a butcher shop to get something special for dinner.
She spies something which looks interesting and asks the butcher how much it costs.

“Well ma’am, those are soprano brains, and they’re a $1.50 a pound.”

“Oh, ok,” replies the woman. “What’s that?”, she asks, pointing.

“Those are bass brains, and they’re $3.00 a pound.”

“Oh,” says the woman, “that looks great, what is it?”

“Ma’am, those are tenor brains, and they are $40.00 a pound.”

“That’s outrageous!”, says the woman. “Why is it so much more for those brains?”

“Ma’am,” replies the patient butcher, “do you have any idea how many tenors it takes to make one pound of brains?”

Counter-Tenor One-Liners

-= counter-tenors =-= 01 =------------------------------------------------------

01: How many counter-tenors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two – one One to buy the designer bulb and the other to say (slightly effeminately), “Fabulous!”

-= counter-tenors =-= 02 =------------------------------------------------------

02: What’s a counter-tenor’s favorite computer operating system?
UNIX.

Baritone One-Liners

-= baritones =-= 01 =-----------------------------------------------------------

01: What is the missing link between the bass and the ape?
The baritone.

-= baritones =-= 02 =-----------------------------------------------------------

02: What do you call ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

-= baritones =-= 03 =-----------------------------------------------------------

03: When does a baritone sound his best?
When the song is over.

Three Male Singers on a Sinking Boat

-= baritones =-= 04 =-----------------------------------------------------------

Three male singers were on a boat: a bass, a tenor, and a baritone.
All of a sudden, the boat started to sink.

The bass, heroic as usual, says, “Save the women and children!”

The tenor says, “Screw the women and children!”

And the baritone says, “Ya think we have time?”

Bass One-Liners

-= basses =-= 01 =--------------------------------------------------------------

01: How do you tell if a bass is dead
1. What’s the difference?
2. Who cares?

02: How do you tell if a bass is actually dead?
Hold out a check.
(But don’t be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may continue even hours after death has occurred.)

-= basses =-= 02 =--------------------------------------------------------------

03: In the last act of Don Giovanni, there is always a statue
which is replaced at some point by a real singer, a bass (the Commendatore).
How can you tell when the switch has occurred?

The “statue” starts looking a bit stiff.

-= basses =-= 03 =--------------------------------------------------------------

04: How do you define the term “aria”?
The square footage taken up by a bass’s girth.

-= basses =-= 04 =--------------------------------------------------------------

05: WHow many basses does it take to change a lightbulb?
None – they’re so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and bang their shins.

06: How many basses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None – they think it’s more macho to walk in the dark and bang their shins.

-= basses =-= 05 =--------------------------------------------------------------

07: Did you hear about the two basses who walked into a building, out in California?
You’d think one of them would have seen it!

A Bass-Baritone is Rowing on a Lake

-= basses =-= 06 =--------------------------------------------------------------

A bass-baritone is rowing on a lake, cheerfully singing to himself, “Toreador, en garde!”

God is looking down from heaven and, feeling a little bored, says to himself,
“Gee, I wonder what would happen if I took half of his brain away!”

Well, He does this, but the fellow just keeps right on rowing and singing, “Toreador, en garde!”

God sees this and remarks, “Fascinating, I wonder what would happen if I took away half of the brain he has left…”

He does this, but the bass-baritone is still rowing and singing along, “Toreador, en garde!”

God finally says to himself, “That's it, I just have to see what happens if I take his *entire* brain away…”

God does this, and the fellow keeps rowing, but now he's singing, “La donna e mobile!”