Risqué Musical Humour

A Woman Meets This Guy in a Bar

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So this woman meets this guy in a bar, they have a few drinks and get back to her place for a little bit of fun…

When they get into bed, the guy starts thrusting into the woman.
This is extremely painful to her, because he’s screwing her rather hard and misses her half of the time.

Things get even worse because he starts out loud… and gets louder… and louder…
and louder to the point where the woman can barely even take it anymore.

After it was all over, the woman looks at the man and says,
“Let me guess, you’re a trombone player.”

He grins and replies, “How could you tell? Was it from how good I was?”

Offensive Marching Band One-Liners

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01: What do you call a brass-band member who practices incest?
A horny mother-fucker!

Limerick – The Two-Headed Cock

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There was a young fellow named Locke
Who was born with a two-headed cock.
    When he’d fondle the thing,
    It would rise up and sing
An antiphonal chorus by Bach.

Offensive Soprano One-Liners

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01: What’s the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
Most musicians have never been inside a Porsche.

02: What’s the difference between a soprano and a Jaguar?
Most musicians have never been in a Jaguar.

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03: Why can’t a soprano drive faster than 68 m.p.h.?
Because at 69 she blows a rod.

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04: What’s the difference between a soprano and a toilet?
The toilet doesn’t follow you around after you use it.

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05: What’s the difference between a soprano and the Titanic?
They know how many people went down on the Titanic.

06: What’s the difference between a soprano and Beluga caviar?
Not everyone’s eaten Beluga caviar.

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07: How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
Why would she want the lights to work?
You don’t need to see to be able to blow the conductor.

08: How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but you’ll need to wait for her to finish being tag-teamed by the tenor section.

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09: Why was the soprano making a funny sound?
It’s hard to sing with a cock in your mouth.

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10: What’s the first thing a soprano does in the morning?
Wash the spunk out of her eyelashes.

Offensive Alto One-Liners

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01: Why couldn’t the alto perform for the conductor at her audition?
Because she forgot her diaphragm.

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02: What’s the difference between an alto and a toilet?
Toilets don’t follow you round after you use them.

Offensive Bass One-Liners

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01: What’s the definition of an operatic 6/9 chord?
The augmented root of the bass is in the soprano.