Country and Bluegrass Music Humour

What do you get when you play a country song backwards? Yep, this is the page for all those forlorn country music jokes, with a few bluegrass jokes to keep them company, plus some about the accordion and the harmonica. That quintessential bluegrass instrument, the banjo, is also referenced here, but the collection of banjo jokes has grown so large that it has graduated to an entire page of its own, which you can still reach from the banjo jokes links on this page.

Feel free to return to the index of musical humour at this point, or choose your exit via the site navigation.

Index to Categories of Country
and Bluegrass Music Humour

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Principal Category Subsidiary Categories
Country & Bluegrass Country | Bluegrass | Accordion | Banjo | Harmonica 
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Country and Bluegrass:
Country Music Humour

Country 01: Country Music One-Liners

Country 02: A Medical Student Was in the Morgue One Day

Country 03: A Gay Man Walks Into a Country Bar

Country 04: The Best Country Song Titles

Country 05: The Best Of The Worst Country-Western Song Titles

Country 06: Proposed Country-Western Song Titles

Country 07: Top 12 Country Songs for 2006

Country 08: Actual Country and Western Song Titles

Country 09: Rejected Country-Western Song Titles

Country 10: Do-It-Yourself Country/Western Song

Country 11: Musical Terms Often Misunderstood by Country-Western Musicians

Country 12: Two Music Lovers Were Being Held Hostage

Country 13: I Accidently Spilled Some Beer on my Stove Today

Country 14: Top Ten Items on the Country Music Singer Application

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Country Music One-Liners

-= country =-= 01 =-------------------------------------------------------------

01: How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.

02: How many country singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to do it and one to sing a song reminiscing about all the good times he had with the old bulb.

03: How many country bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, five, one, five, one, five …

-= country =-= 02 =-------------------------------------------------------------

04: What has 72 legs and 26 teeth?
The first row at a Willie Nelson concert!

05: What has 154 legs and 8 teeth?
The first row at a Garth Brooks concert!

-= country =-= 03 =-------------------------------------------------------------

06: What happens if you sing country music backwards?
You get your job and your wife back.

07: What happens when you play country music backwards?
You get your house back, your car (or truck) back and your wife back.

08: What happens when you play a country record backwards?
* You get out of prison.
* Your wife comes back to you.
* Your pickup truck is returned.
* Your dog comes back to life.

09: What happens if you play country music backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.

10: What happens when you spin a country singer’s record backwards?
He gets his wife, his job, and his John Deere back.

-= country =-= 04 =-------------------------------------------------------------

11: Country Music is an oxymoron.
— courtesy Right Coast Mike.

-= country =-= 05 =-------------------------------------------------------------

12: Country singer George Jones was injured in a car crash.
Police say two factors contributed to the crash:
(1) “Jones lost control while talking on a cell phone,” and
(2) “crap like this always happens to country singers.”

-= country =-= 06 =-------------------------------------------------------------

13: “I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do.
And for the people who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down.’”
— Bob Newhart

-= country =-= 07 =-------------------------------------------------------------

14: “Hey there, pa’dner. What the heck is that there rock that makes them words sound so much alike?”
“That’s a rhyme stone, Cowboy.”

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A Medical Student Was in the Morgue One Day

-= country =-= 08 =-------------------------------------------------------------

A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a little practice in before the final exams.

He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body
and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse’s rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual,
he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing –
“On the road again… Just can’t wait to get on the road again…”

The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. The music stopped.
Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.

“Look at this. This is really something!” the student told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again.

“On the road again… Just can’t wait to get on the road again…”

“So what?” the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the student’s discovery.

“But isn’t that the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen?” asked the student.

“Are you kidding?” replied the Examiner, “Any asshole can sing country music.”

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A Gay Man Walks Into a Country Bar

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A gay man walks into a country bar and says, “I just want everyone to know that I’m gay,
but I won’t hit on anyone. I just like country music.”

The bartender says that it’s okay and the man stays.

The next day the gay man comes back with another guy and says, “This is my brother. I just want everyone
to know that we’re gay, but we won’t hit on anyone. We just like country music.”

The bartender again says that is okay and the men stay.

Again, the next day the man comes back, but this time he is with even more men and says,
“These are my cousins and my brother. I just want everyone to know that we’re gay,
but we won’t hit on anyone. We just like country music.”

The bartender finally gets curious and asks, “Hey, doesn’t ANYONE in your family like girls?”

The gay man replies, “Yeah, but she doesn’t like country music.”

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The Best Country Song Titles

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Country music songwriters, in my opinion, are some of the greatest wordsmiths on earth.
Read the list below to enjoy some of the greatest song titles ever.

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The Best Of The Worst Country-Western Song Titles

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Proposed Country-Western Song Titles

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Top 12 Country Songs for 2006

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12. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine.

11. It’s Hard to Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass All Day.

10. If the Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me.

9. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well.

8. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim’s Getting Better.

7. I Wouldn’t take her to a Dog Fight ’Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win.

6. I’ll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight.

5. I’m So Miserable without you, It’s like You’re Still Here.

4. If I Had Shot You When I First wanted To, I’d Be Out Of Prison By now.

3. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Do Miss Him.

2. She Got the Ring and I Got the Finger.

And the number one country song of 2006 is:

1. I Ain’t Never Gone to Bed with Ugly Women But I’ve Sure Woke Up With a Few.

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Actual Country and Western Song Titles

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The fun in country music is in the words — lines soaked in moonshine humour
so wry and raunchy you won’t be sober for days.

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Rejected Country-Western Song Titles

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Do-It-Yourself Country/Western Song

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Just fill in each numbered blank with a randomly chosen entry from the matching numbered column of choices…

I met her __________ _____; I can still recall _________
(1) (2) (3)
Choices 1.
on the highway
in Sheboygan
outside Fresno
at a truck stop
on probation
in a jail cell
in a nightmare
incognito
in the Stone Age
in a treehouse
in a gay bar
 Choices 2.
in September
at McDonald’s
ridin’ shotgun
wrestlin’ gators
all hunched over
poppin’ uppers
sort of pregnant
with joggers
stoned on oatmeal
with Merv Griffin
dead all over
 Choices 3.
that purple dress
that little hat
that burlap bra
those training pants
the stolen goods
that plastic nose
the Stassin pin
the neon sign
that creepy smile
the hearing aid
the boxer shorts
 
she wore; She was ______ _____,  
(4) (5)  
Choices 4.
sobbin’ at the toll booth
drinkin’ Dr. Pepper
weighted down with Twinkies
breakin’ out with acne
crawlin’ through the prairie
smellin’ kind of funny
crashin’ through the guardrail
chewin’ on a hangnail
talkin’ in Swahili
drownin’ in the quicksand
slurpin’ up linguini
 Choices 5.
in the twilight
but I loved her
by the off-ramp
near Poughkeepsie
with her cobra
when she shot me
on her elbows
with Led-Zeppelin
with Miss Piggy
with a wetback
in her muu-muu
  
 
and I knew _______; _______ I’d ______ forever;
(6) (7) (8)
Choices 6.
no guy would ever love her more
that she would be an easy score
she’d bought her dentures in a store
that she would be a crashing bore
I’d never rate her more than “4”
they’d hate her guts in Baltimore
it was a raven, nothing more
we really lost the last World War
I’d have to scrape her off the floor
what strong deodorants were for
that she was rotten to the core
that I would upchuck on the floor
 Choices 7.
I promised her
I knew deep down
She asked me if
I told her shrink
The judge declared
My Pooh Bear said
I shrieked in pain
The painters knew
A Klingon said
My hamster thought
The blood test showed
Her rabbi said
 Choices 8.
stay with her
warp her mind
swear off booze
change my sex
punch her out
live off her
have my rash
stay a dwarf
hate her dog
pick my nose
play “Go Fish”
salivate
 
She said to me ____; But who’d have thought she’d _____  
(9) (10)  
Choices 9.
our love would never die
there was no other guy
man wasn’t meant to fly
that Nixon didn’t lie
her basset hound was shy
that Rolaids made her high
she’d have a swiss on rye
she loved my one blue eye
her brother’s name was Hy
she liked “Spy vs. Spy”
that birthdays made her cry
she couldn’t stand my tie
 Choices 10.
run off
wind up
boogie
yodel
sky dive
turn green
freak out
blast off
make it
black out
bobsled
grovel
  
 
___________; _________ goodbye.  
(11) (12)  
Choices 11.
with my best friend
in my Edsel
on a surfboard
on “The Gong Show”
with her dentist
on her “Workmate”
with a robot
with no clothes on
at her health club
in her Maytag
with her guru
while in labor
 Choices 12.
You’d think at least that she’d have said
I never had the chance to say
She told her fat friend Grace to say
I now can kiss my credit cards
I guess I was too smashed to say
I watched her melt away and sobbed
She fell beneath the wheels and cried
She sent a hired thug to say
She freaked out on the lawn and screamed
I pushed her off the bridge and waved
But that’s the way that pygmies say
She sealed me in the vault and smirked.
  

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Musical Terms Often Misunderstood
by Country-Western Musicians

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Two Music Lovers Were Being Held Hostage

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Two music lovers were being held hostage and both were going to be shot.

One of them was a country music lover and the other enjoyed all kinds of music.
Before they were shot they were asked for one last request before they died.

The country music lover said, “I would like to listen to ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ fifty times in a row.”

The other music lover says, “Please, shoot me first.”

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I Accidently Spilled Some Beer on my Stove Today

-= country =-= 19 =-------------------------------------------------------------

I was told that most country and western songs are about common everyday events.
I decided to try it for myself.
I accidently spilled some beer on my stove today… it was traumatic as it was my last one.
I will relate it to you in song…

Foam, foam on the range,
Where my beer tipped over and sprayed.
Where seldom is heard
a discouraging word,
Cuz what can some spilled beer foam say.

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Top Ten Items on the Country Music Singer Application

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10. Provide names and phone numbers of three lovers who done you wrong.

9. Ever nailed a Judd?

8. Would you be willing to wear jeans so tight they cut off circulation to your ass?

7. Spell “dagnabbit.”

6. Which name best describes your sexual orientation: “George Straight,” or “Dixie Chicks?”

5. Complete the following sentence — “Hee ______!”

4. Describe size and location of dents on your pickup truck.

3. If you could meet anybody in the world, living or dead — which Statler Brother would it be?

2. Name six radio-friendly words that rhyme with “truck.”

1. Chaw?

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Country and Bluegrass:
Bluegrass Music Humour

Bluegrass 01: Bluegrass Music One-Liners

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Bluegrass Music One-Liners

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01: Why do bluegrass banjo pickers always die with their boots on?
So they won’t stub their toes when they kick the bucket.

-= bluegrass =-= 02 =-----------------------------------------------------------

02: If you practice, tune, make a sound check, and sit down to play,
it’s folk music. Otherwise, it’s bluegrass.

-= bluegrass =-= 03 =-----------------------------------------------------------

03: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Five… One to change the bulb, and four to complain that it’s ELECTRIC!

04: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it’s electrified.

05: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It doesn’t matter as long as everyone gets a turn!

-= bluegrass =-= 04 =-----------------------------------------------------------

06: “Keep pickin’ that and it’ll never heal.”

-= bluegrass =-= 05 =-----------------------------------------------------------

07: What’s the difference between jazz and bluegrass?
A baby blue suit and half a million drum sets!

-= bluegrass =-= 06 =-----------------------------------------------------------

08: What has 100 legs and four teeth?
The front row at a Mississippi Bluegrass festival.

-= bluegrass =-= 07 =-----------------------------------------------------------

09: How do you tell you are at a Bluegrass show?
If there are more people on the stage than in the audience.

-= bluegrass =-= 08 =-----------------------------------------------------------

10: Play Bluegrass Lite! One third Fewer Notes! Less Picking! Sounds Great!

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Country and Bluegrass: Accordion Humour

Accordion 01: Accordion One-Liners

Accordion 02: A Trombone Player and an Accordion Player

Accordion 03: An Accordion Player in his Middle 40s

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Accordion One-Liners

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01: An accordion is a bagpipe with pleats.

-= accordion =-= 02 =-----------------------------------------------------------

02: If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first?
Who cares?

-= accordion =-= 03 =-----------------------------------------------------------

03: What’s the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.

-= accordion =-= 04 =-----------------------------------------------------------

04: What do you call ten accordions at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

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05: What’s a bassoon good for?
Kindling for an accordion fire.

-= accordion =-= 06 =-----------------------------------------------------------

06: What’s an accordion good for?
Learning how to fold a map.

-= accordion =-= 07 =-----------------------------------------------------------

07: What is the difference between a lawnmower and an accordion?
You could sell a used lawnmower.

-= accordion =-= 08 =-----------------------------------------------------------

08: Who is the patron saint of the accordion?
Our Lady of Spain.

09: What do you call a group of topless female accordion players?
Ladies in Pain.

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10: A topless bar tried to have a Polka Night but the accordionist kept getting hurt.

-= accordion =-= 10 =-----------------------------------------------------------

11: What’s the definition of a gentleman?
A man who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn’t.

-= accordion =-= 11 =-----------------------------------------------------------

12: What’s the definition of an optimist?
An accordion player with a pager.

-= accordion =-= 12 =-----------------------------------------------------------

13: Bumper Stickers:
1. Play an accordion — go to jail!
2. Three rows and you’re out!

-= accordion =-= 13 =-----------------------------------------------------------

14: A terrorist group has taken 90 accordion players hostage, and if their demands aren’t met,
they’ll release one every hour.

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15: What is “perfect pitch?”
When you toss an accordion into the toilet bowl without hitting the rim.

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16: Why doesn’t Heaven have a pipe organ?
Because they needed the keys in Hell to make accordions.

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17: When you arrive in Heaven, St. Peter says, “Welcome to Heaven! Here’s your harp.”
When you arrive in Hell, Satan says, “Welcome to Hell! Here’s your accordion.”

-= accordion =-= 17 =-----------------------------------------------------------

18: How do you know if the guy knocking on your door is a accordionist?
He doesn’t stop even after you answer.

-= accordion =-= 18 =-----------------------------------------------------------

19: What is worse than a bad accordion player?
A good accordion player.

-= accordion =-= 19 =-----------------------------------------------------------

20: Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public:
* Violinist: 25 feet
* Bad Violinist: 50 feet
* Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet
* 15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet
* Accordionist: 60 miles

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21: How do you protect a valuable instrument?
Hide it in an accordion case.

-= accordion =-= 21 =-----------------------------------------------------------

22: Why can’t a gorilla play accordion?
He’s too sensitive.

-= accordion =-= 22 =-----------------------------------------------------------

23: What do accordion players use for birth control?
Their personalities.

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A Trombone Player and an Accordion Player

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A trombone player and an accordion player are playing a New Years’s eve gig at a local club.
The place is packed and everybody is absolutely loving the music.
Shortly after midnight, the club owner comes up to the duo and says,

“You guys sound great – everybody loves you – I’d like to know if the two of you are free
to come back here next New Year’s eve to play?”

The two musicians look at each other then to the club owner, and the trombone player says

“Sure, we’d love to. Is it OK if we leave our stuff here?”

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An Accordion Player in his Middle 40s

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An accordion player in his middle 40s was driving home around 10:00 p.m. from a Bar Mitzvah.
When he left, he placed his instrument in the back window of his car so he could watch it while he drove
to make sure it was OK.
On his way, he decided to stop at a bar and get a drink to make up for the boring night.
He stopped, locked his car, and then went inside.

After he had had about three drinks, he suddenly realized where he put the accordion!
He should have remembered what happened last time he left it in his back window!
So he ran outside and looked at his car. The back window was broken in, glass was all over the place,
and, sure enough, there were two more accordions!

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Country and Bluegrass: Banjo Humour

There are an inordinate number of banjo jokes, perhaps because the instrument is a joke to almost anyone who isn’t an aficionado. In fact, there are so many banjo jokes that this collection of them has now grown entirely out of hand – it has become so extensive that it warrants an entire section to itself.

Accordingly (banjoingly!), here is where you will now find all the banjo jokes assembled
(and even partially classified) in one place.

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Country and Bluegrass: Harmonica Humour

Harmonica 01: Harmonica One-Liners

Harmonica 02: A Blues Musician Dies Dies and Goes to Heaven

Harmonica 03: This Harmonica Player Dies and Goes to Heaven

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Harmonica One-Liners

-= harmonica =-= 01 =-----------------------------------------------------------

01: Why do dogs howl when harmonica players play?
They’re trying to tell them how the song goes.

02: What do you call a harmonica player’s accompanist?
Fido.

-= harmonica =-= 02 =-----------------------------------------------------------

03: Steve Wright: “I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast,
and stick it out the window. I’ve been arrested three times for practicing.”

-= harmonica =-= 03 =-----------------------------------------------------------

04: What do the best harmonica players have in common?
They all suck.

-= harmonica =-= 04 =-----------------------------------------------------------

05: What do you say at the end of a great harmonica solo?
“Thank God.”

-= harmonica =-= 05 =-----------------------------------------------------------

06: What do you call a harmonica player who doesn’t step all over the singer’s lines?
Deceased.

07: What do you call a harmonica player in a brand new suit?
Dearly departed.

-= harmonica =-= 06 =-----------------------------------------------------------

08: How many harmonica players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Five. One to screw it in and four to determine if it should be in straight or cross position.

-= harmonica =-= 07 =-----------------------------------------------------------

09: What do you call a harmonica player who says he knows what notes he’s playing?
A liar.

-= harmonica =-= 08 =-----------------------------------------------------------

10: Why do harmonica players say they play a “harp?”
1. So you won’t think they play a harmonica.
2. “Harmonica” is a four-syllable word.

-= harmonica =-= 09 =-----------------------------------------------------------

11: Which is better: electric guitar or harmonica?
Electric guitar. You can’t beat a harmonica player to death with a harmonica.

-= harmonica =-= 10 =-----------------------------------------------------------

12: What do you call a groupie who hangs around and annoys musicians?
A harmonica player.

-= harmonica =-= 11 =-----------------------------------------------------------

13: If you threw a guitar player and a harmonica player off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?
The guitar player.
The harp would have to stop halfway down to ask what key they’re in.

-= harmonica =-= 12 =-----------------------------------------------------------

14: A guitar player says to his wife, “Oh, baby, I can play you just like my guitar.”
His wife replies, “I’d rather have you play me like a harmonica!”

-= harmonica =-= 13 =-----------------------------------------------------------

15: What does a harp player do in his life’s most tender moments?
He puts his reverb on “slow.”

-= harmonica =-= 14 =-----------------------------------------------------------

16: Why were vintage guitar amplifiers invented?
So the harp player would have a place to put his beer.

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A Blues Musician Dies and Goes to Heaven

-= harmonica =-= 15 =-----------------------------------------------------------

A blues musician dies and goes to Heaven. Upon arriving, he is told,

“Hey man, welcome! You have been elected to the Blues All-Stars of Heaven —
right up there with Muddy and the Wolf and Freddy King, all the greats. We have a gig tonight.

Only one problem — God gets to play harmonica.”

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This Harmonica Player Dies and Goes to Heaven

-= harmonica =-= 16 =-----------------------------------------------------------

This harmonica player dies and goes to heaven. There’s a long line at the pearly gates,
and some dude is going around telling folks in line that they can check out Hell while they
are waiting for their spot by just going over to the red elevator over there (points).

“You know, if you don’t like it, just get back on the elevator and come back up.”

The harmonica player thinks to himself, “Hey, gotta check it out… maybe it ain’t as bad as they say it is.”

So over he goes, gets into the elevator and down he goes…
the elevator stops, he gets out and the Devil himself is there to show him around.
Off they go and pretty soon, he’s thinking to himself that maybe this ain’t so bad after all…
they stop in at a nightclub, and there’s a great little band inside, playing their asses off.
He spots some famous folks he knows…

“Hey, ain’t that Little Walter over there?”

They leave, and he finally asks the Devil, “Wow, those cats were smokin’.
This place is great! But one thing… there’s got to be a catch to this… What is it?”

The Devil turns to him and says, quite matter-of-factly, “No solos.”

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