Brass Section Musical Humour

Trumpet One-Liners

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01: How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
50 – one to do it and the others to stand around and say, “I could do that better.”

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02: How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five – one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much better they could’ve done it.
Four – one to do it and three to stand around and brag about how much better they could have done it.

03: How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
Four – one to change it and the other three discussing how Dizzy Gillespie would have done it.

04: How many sections, other than the trumpet section, does it take to change a lightbulb?
You mean there are other sections in the band?

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05: What do lead trumpet players use for birth control?
Their personalities.

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06: What are trumpets made from?
Leftover saxophone parts.

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07: Why does a trumpet have three valves?
Because trumpet players can’t count to four.

08: Why do trumpet players only use one hand to play their instrument?
Because the other one is too busy!

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09: Why do trumpet players screech annoyingly on mezzo forte parts?
They think the “mf” means Maynard Ferguson.

10: How do you get a trumpet player to play fff?
Write mp on the part.

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11: How do you get two trumpet players to play in tune?
Shoot one of them!

12: What is the perfect pitch of a trumpet?
Complete silence.

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13: What’s the best recording of the Haydn Trumpet Concerto
Music Minus One.

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14: Conductor: “Guys, I need you to play with more dynamics!”
One of the trumpet players: “But boss, that’s already as loud as we can play!”

15: Why did the trumpet player play a loud, blaring jazz solo during a slow, soft symphonic movement?
Because the part was marked tacit, and he thought it said “Take it!”

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16: How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
“Hi. I’m better than you.”

17: What’s the secret trumpet player handshake?
Shake hands and say, “Hi. I’m better than you.”

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18: How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door?
The doorbell shrieks!

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19: What’s the difference between a trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
I don’t know either.

20: What is the difference between a trumpet player and a horse’s ass?
Gee, I don’t know either!

21: What is the difference between the lead trumpet and the last trumpet?
I sure as heck don’t know either.

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22: What’s the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

23: What’s the difference between a free jazz trumpet player and a terrorist?
The terrorist has sympathizers.

24: What’s the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.

25: What’s the difference between a lawnmower and a trumpet?
The neighbour gets mad if you don't return the lawnmower.

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26: What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong?
King Kong is more sensitive.

27: Why can’t a gorilla play trumpet?
He’s too sensitive.

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28: How are trumpets like pirates?
They are both murder on the high C’s.

29: What do pirates and trumpet players have in common?
They are both murder on the high C’s!

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30: Why do you bury trumpet players eight or ten feet under?
Because, deep down, they are really nice people.

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31: What do you call a building occupied by five trumpet players?
A crack house.

32: How do you know when a trumpet player is on crack?
You don’t.

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33: Two guys are standing at the side of the highway.
One’s a trumpet player and the other one doesn’t have any money either.

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34: What do you call a person playing a trumpet in public?
Suicidal.

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35: What is the pre-programmed message on a lead trumpet player’s Emergency Med-Alert Button?
“HELP! I’M PLAYING… AND I CAN’T CUT OFF!”

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36: Before a rehearsal, you can usually see the clarinet, saxophone, and double reed players quietly sucking on reeds.
Too bad trumpet players aren’t shut up that easily.

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37: If you are a stone’s throw away from a trumpeter what should you do?
Throw stones.

38: If you are just a stone’s throw away from the trumpet section, what should you do?
Throw stones.

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39: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trumpet player’s arm?
A tattoo.

40: What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a trumpet player?
Who can keep track?
Flute-du-jour.

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41: How do you know if you have been in band too long?
You think the trumpet players have a right to have an ego.

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42: Why do trumpet players have small brains?
To make room for their egos.

43: Why are cornets smaller than trumpets?
It’s not that the cornets are smaller, it’s that the players’ heads are bigger.

The Trumpeters in the William Tell Overture

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A colleague of mine played in an “auditions only” orchestra in high school,
and one of the pieces that they played was the William Tell Overture.
This is well known as the music for the Lone Ranger –
the bit with the brassy trumpet fanfare was used for that TV show back in the 60s.

Well, the Overture actually does not begin with the trumpets.
It begins with a *beautiful* cello solo, which lasts for exactly 13 measures of 4 counts each.

The trumpets regularly missed their queue and came in either early or late, slaughtering the piece.

One day in rehearsal, the director decided to have the trumpets count out loud,
just to make sure they were actually counting.

So the cello plays… <insert cello music here>

And the trumpets count: <One, 2, 3, 4, Two, 2, 3, 4…>

And the cello continues to play… <more cello music>

While the trumpets count: <Eight, 2, 3, 4, Nine, 2, 3, 4…>

And the cello finishes. <insert director waving arms madly at trumpets to come in *now*>

While the idiot trumpets continue to count: <Fourteen, 2, 3, 4, Fifteen, 2, 3, 4…>

The Jazz Trumpeter and the Symphony

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In an emergency, a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra.
Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos,
but in the second movement she started going, improvising madly when she wasn’t supposed to play at all.

After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation.
She said, “I looked in the score and it said ‘tacit’ — so I took it!”

Three Famous Trumpet Players in an Aeroplane

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Three famous trumpet players are up in a aeroplane.

One of them says, “I’ll throw out a hundred dollar bill and make someone very happy.”

The one next to him says, “I’ll throw out two fifty dollar bills, and make two people very happy.”

The other one said, “I’ll throw five twenties out the door, and make five people happy.”

The pilot, who was their conductor, said, “Why don’t you all three jump, and make the whole band very happy?”

(How did the trumpet players get that much money in the first place?)

The Dropped $100 Bill

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I dropped a 100 dollar bill in the middle of a table with a good trumpet player, Santa Claus, the tooth fairy,
my imaginary friend Bob, a bad trumpet player, a drummer, and the Easter bunny.

Who picked up the 100 dollar bill?

Well, the good trumpet player, Santa Claus, my imaginary friend Bob,
the tooth fairy, and the Easter bunny don’t exist.

The drummer didn’t understand the assignment (as always).

So the bad trumpet player took it and paid his rent.

Solve the Following Equation

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person ‘A’ was walking down the street with person ‘B’.

Person ‘A’ says, “What’s 10% of nothing?”

Match the trumpet player and his agent with persons ‘A’ and ‘B’.

Trombone One-Liners (1)

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01: It is difficult to trust anyone whose instrument changes shape as he plays it!

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02: What is another term for trombone?
A wind driven, manually operated pitch approximator!

03: What is a trombone?
A slide whistle with delusions of grandeur!

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04: Define a successful trombone player.
He owes his success to letting everything slide.

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05: I used to play the trombone, but in recent months, I’ve let it slide.

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06: How does a trombone player interpret ‘detaché’?
Without a slide.

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07: How does a trombone teacher charge for lessons?
On a sliding scale.

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08: What’s the definition of a gentleman?
1. Someone who knows how to play the trombone but doesn’t.
2. Someone who knows how to play the trombone but refrains from doing so.
3. A man who, while he CAN play the trombone, chooses not to!

09: What do you call a guy who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn’t?
A gentleman.

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10: How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
1. Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes.
2. Stick your hand in the bell and play all the notes wrong.

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11: How can you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
1. Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.
2. Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes!

12: How do you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
Take your hand out of the bell and play without any semblance of taste.

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13: What’s the difference between a trombone and a trumpet?
A trombone will bend before it breaks.

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14: Orchestral trombonists count so much rest, and play so many repeated figures,
that the sheep story also works.

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15: How do you know when a trombone player is at your door?
The doorbell drags.

16: How do you know if there’s a trombonist at your door?
The doorbell drags.

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17: What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cellular telephone?
An optimist.

18: What is the ultimate optimist?
A trombone player with a beeper!

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19: What do four trombones at the bottom of a lake sound like?
A good idea.

20: What do four trombones sound like at the bottom of the sea?
The start of a great plan!

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21: What did Captain Picard say when he entered a jazz club and saw a trombonist on stage?
“Computer: End program!”

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22: What is the best kind of trombone?
A broken one.

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23: What was the trombone section’s most famous entry?
“Was that it?”

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24: Why are trombone players better lovers?
Well, trumpet players do it with three fingers, baritone players do it with four fingers,
but trombone players do it in seven positions!

25: Why do trombonists make the best lovers?
Trumpet players do it with 3 fingers. Baritone players do it with 4 fingers.
But trombonists do it in 7 positions.

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26: Why do trombonists get anxious when they read the “Kama Sutra”?
Because they only know seven positions.

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27: What is the difference between first and seventh position?
A whole lot of confusion.

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28: How do you prevent a trombone player from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

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29: Someone asked a trombonist, “What’s the subdominant of F major?”?
The trombonist is confused: “What? I thought F major was the subdominant!”

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30: What’s the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
The country singer might’ve been on his way to a recording session.

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31: There is a frog driving east and a trombonist walking west. What can be surmised from this?
The frog’s probably on its way to a gig.

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32: What is the difference between a dead frog in the middle of the road
and a dead trombone player in the middle of the road?
The frog was on his way to a gig!

33: What is the difference between a dead trombone player lying in the road,
and a dead squirrel lying in the road?
The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig.

34: What’s the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist in the road?
The snake may have been on the way to a recording session.

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35: What’s the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist in the road?
Skid marks in front of the snake.

Trombone One-Liners (2)

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36: How many trombone players does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Just one, but he’ll do it too loudly.
2. Only one, but he will spend an hour trying to figure out what position it needs to be in.
3. Only one, but he’ll spend half an hour trying to figure out what position he needs to be in.
4. Only one, but he’ll leave a big puddle of spit on the floor underneath him.

37: How many trombonists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Four: one to screw it in and three to make lewd, sexual comments.

38: How many trombone player's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five: one to screw it in and four to bitch about how J.J. Johnson would have done it!
Five: one to hold the light bulb and four to drink scotch until the room spins!

39: How many professional trombone players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Professional trombone players can’t afford light bulbs.

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40: What do trombone players say when you answer the door?
PIZZAMAN!!!

41: How do you know when there’s a trombonist at your door?
His hat says “Domino’s Pizza.”

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42: How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist’s car?
Take the Domino’s Pizza sign off the roof.

43: How did the trombone player make his car more aerodynamic?
He took the Shakey’s pizza sign off the top!

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44: What does a trombone player say when he gets to his gig?
“Would you like fries with that?”

45: What does a trombonist say at his night job?
“Would you like fries with that?”

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46: What’s the formula for the number of McDonald’s employees in a trombone section?
Total number of players minus the number of Burger King employees, minus the number unemployed.

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47: What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
1. “Year-At-A-Glance.”
2. Career-at-a-Glance.

48: What does it say on the front of a trombone player’s Gig book?
“A year at a glance!”

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49: How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist?
He doesn’t know how to use the slide, and he can’t swing.

50: How do you know a trombone player’s kids are on the playground?
They can’t swing and they complain about the slide!

51: How can you tell that a kid on a playground is a trombonist’s kid?
He can’t swing and he complains about the slide.

52: How do you know if a child playing on the playground is a jazz trombone player’s kid?
He can’t swing and he’s afraid to use the slide!

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53: What do you call a trombone player who just broke up with his girlfriend?
Homeless!

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54: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.

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55: What’s the range of a trombone?
Depends on how hard you can kick it!

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56: Why did the trombone player break up with the violinist?
Because she kept “stringing” him along!

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57: What do you get when you cross a trombone player and an orangutan?
A retarded orangutan.

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58: Why did the trombone player cross the road?
To get to his day gig.

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59: What’s a trombonist’s favorite TV show?
Saturday Night Live.

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60: What do you call a dead trombonist?
1. A blessing.
2. A stiff boner.

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61: What’s the difference between a talented hockey player and a talented trombone player?
Hockey players are supposed to hurt people with their talents.

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62: What did the trombone player do when he won the lottery?
Silly, you know trombone players can’t afford tickets!

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63: Why should we pity the second trombone player?
He’s the only one who couldn’t get the piccolo player into bed.

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64: In an orchestral arrangement, what’s the difference between the third trombone part and the tuba part?
The bassoon cues.

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65: What’s the difference between a trombone and a sewer?
Less water flows through the sewer, and it’s cleaner too.

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66: Did you hear about the starving pro trombonist who broke into a music shop?
He made off with the lute.

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67: What do you buy for a trombone player who’s got everything?
Antibiotics.

The Trombone Player in the Van at the Gig

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A traveling band pulled up to their gig in a van.

The piano player, who was driving, realized to his horror that he had locked the keys in the van.

It took them two hours to get the trombone player out!

O.K. Who am I trying to fool? What would a trombone player be doing at a gig anyway?

Slightly Practical Joke to Play on a Trombonist

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Assuming she’s using water on her slide, empty her water bottle down the mouthpiece.

The result is really impressive if she doesn’t notice the added weight when she picks it up off the stand.

Don’t do this if she’s using a synthetic lubricant in her water.
(the stuff is expensive, and she’ll be righteously angry).

Playing a New Year’s Eve Gig

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A trombone player and an accordion player are playing a New Year’s Eve gig at a local club.
The place is packed and everybody is absolutely loving the music.

Shortly after midnight, the club owner comes up to the duo and says,
“You guys sound great… everybody loves you…”
“I’d like to know if the two of you are free to come back here next New Year’s Eve to play?”

The two musicians look at each other then to the club owner… and the trombone player says,
“Sure… we’d love to… Is it OK if we leave our stuff here?”

The Trombonist in Heaven

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A trombonist just died and is on his way to Heaven.
He is feeling great, for he thinks he has never to play that damn instrument again.

When he visits the Holy Announcement Board, he sees that the rehearsal of the Holy Orchestra
is to be at 4 p.m. on Clouds 30-40.

Already pissed, he goes there and sees a giant orchestra,
consisting of 1 million violins, 800,000 violas, 600,000 cellos, 400,000 basses,
50,000 each woods, 40,000 trumpets, and 10,000 timpani,
but he just cannot find any trombones.

Then after a while he sees one lonely trombonist who is really happy to get company.

The piece starts and about a million violins start playing a soft ppp.
Then about 800,000 violas come in, then the 600,000 cellos, then 400,000 basses,
then 50,000 clarinets, 50,000 oboes and bassoons, 40,000 trumpets,
and everything is still at p.

Then comes the first cue for the 10,000 timpani and now, finally,
there is the first cue for the 2 trombones.

They play their first note and the conductor breaks up, screaming,
“Trombones, too loud!”

As an Ancient Chinese Sage Once Raised the Question

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As an ancient Chinese sage once raised the question:

“Last night I dreamt that I was a beautiful butterfly,
but how do I know that I’m not now a butterfly dreaming that I am a man?”

I dreamt last night that I was a trombone player.
Maybe I should kill myself.

Bass Trombone One-Liners

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01: How can you tell when a bass trombone is out of tune?
The bass trombonist is also present.

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02: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
On and Off.

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03: How many bass trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he’ll do it too loudly.

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04: What’s the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?
1. Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still.
2. Nothing, if you hold the chain saw very still.
3. It’s easier to improvise on a chainsaw.

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05: What do you say when you meet a bass trombone player who can improvise?
1. “Need… Wa… Wah… Water… (thud)”
2. “They’re coming to take me away, ha ha!”
3. “Maybe that was one too many beers.”
4. “How long will your tenor be in the shop?”
5. “I must be dead, but is this Heaven or Hell?”

The Prima Ballerina and the Bass Trombonists

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A well-known ballet company recently did a west-to-east Canadian tour.
The tour started in Victoria, B.C., and ended in St. John’s, Nfld.
In each new city the company would perform with the local orchestra.

On the first night in Victoria, the bass trombone player approached the prima ballerina,
hoping that she would go out with him.

“Certainly not,” said the prim young woman, “what would people think?”

Not to be outdone, the bass trombonist retorted,
“Well, all I was thinking about was dinner, there’s no need to be snooty!”

The very next day, however, the ballerina felt guilty, deciding that he probably didn’t mean any harm,
and promptly asked him out.
He took her to dinner, and to her amazement she found herself having such a good time
that she agreed to go back to his place for drinks.

The next day she thanked him for the nice evening and left with the company for the next city.

Coincidentally, the very same thing happened in the next city with that orchestra’s bass trombone player.

In each city on the cross-country tour, the prima ballerina just happened to bump into these bass trombone players.

Finally, in St. John’s, the last stop on the tour, the same thing happened.

“You trombone players are all such nice guys. Yes, I’d be happy to go out with you.”

Just as she touched his elbow, the bass trombone player’s music folder fell open.
On the bottom of the folder she read, “For a hot time, see the prima ballerina!”

Valve Trombone One-Liners

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01: What’s the difference between a valve trombone and a baritone horn?
1. If you run over a baritone nobody cares.
2. If you run over a valve trombone, every real trombonist in the world thanks you.

French Horn One-Liners

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01: How do you make a French horn sound like a trombone?
Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.

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02: How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?
Have them miss every other note.

03: How can you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
1. Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.
2. Stick your hand in the bell and split every second note.
3. Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.

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04: What is the difference between a french horn section and a ’57 Chevy?
You can tune a ’57 Chevy.

05: What is the difference between an old car without a muffler and French horn?
The car without a muffler is more likely to be in tune.

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06: What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?
A goalpost that can’t march.

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07: How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he’ll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.

08: How many French horn players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. We’re above manual labour!

09: How many good French horn players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but good luck trying to find him.

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10: Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
1. Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.
2. Because man plays it, but only God knows what comes out of it.

11: Why is the French horn the most divine instrument?
Man blows into it, but God only knows what comes out.

12: Why is French horn the most divine of all instruments?
Air goes in, but God only knows what will come out.

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13: How many French hornists does it take to play split lead?
One.

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14: What is the difference between a conductor and a horn player?
TWO MEASURES !.

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15: How do you know when a French horn player is at your door?
The doorbell drags.

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16: Can French horns play footnotes?
No. For that, you need a shoe horn.

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17: Why do French horn players choose that instrument?
1. It’s a nice, all-round horn.
2. They’re twisted.

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18: Why did the French horns get lost when they were asked to take it from bar one?
They said the bars weren’t numbered.

19: Conductor: “Back to bar one.”
French hornist: “My part doesn’t have numbers.”

20: What did the French horn player say after the conductor yelled, “Back to bar one!”?
“Where are we? My part isn’t numbered.”

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21: How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
1. “Hi. I played that piece last year.”
2. “Hi. I did that piece in junior high.”

-= french horn =-= 14 =---------------------------------------------------------

22: What’s the difference between a seamstress and a french horn player?
The seamstress says, “Tuck the frills.”

-= french horn =-= 15 =---------------------------------------------------------

23: Said the conductor to the brass section, “Guys, I need you to play with more dynamics.”
One of the horn players replied, “But boss, that’s already as loud as we can play.”

-= french horn =-= 16 =---------------------------------------------------------

24: Why did the French horn player never get second dates?
Every time he went to kiss the girl on the first date, he stuck his hand up her ass.

25: How do you tell you’re kissing a french horn player?
He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your ass.

A girl Dating Brass Players (1)

-= french horn =-= 26 =---------------------------------------------------------

A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked,
“Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?”

“Nah,” the first girl replied, “that dry, tight, tiny little pucker: it was no fun at all.”

The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked,
“Well, how was his kissing?”

“Ugh!” the first girl exclaimed, “those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!”

The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked,
“Well, how was his kissing?”

“Well,” the first girl replied, “his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!”

A girl Dating Brass Players (2)

-= french horn =-= 27 =---------------------------------------------------------

A girl is set up on a blind date with a trumpet player.
She goes on the date, and later reports to her best friend:
“The date was alright, but when he kissed me it was all tight and horrible,
I don’t think I’ll go out with him again.”

The next night she dates a tuba player. Again she reports to her friend.
She says that this time the kiss was all open mouthed and slobbery,
and she wouldn’t date him again.

The next night she dates a french horn player.
Her best friend asked how he kissed and the girl replied,
“Well, his kiss wasn’t any better than the others, but I like the way he held me!”

Girl Dating a French Horn Player

-= french horn =-= 28 =---------------------------------------------------------

There once was a woman who had gone a long time without so much as the hope of having a relationship.
When she finally picked up a handsome looking guy and went out with him,
her friends were naturally curious as to how it went.

“What’s he like?” asked the woman’s friend the day after the big event.

“Oh, he’s fine, I guess. He’s a musician, you know,” said she.

“Did he have class?” said the friend.

The friend’s ears perked up as the woman said,
“Well, most of the time, yes, but I don’t think I’ll be going out with him again.”

“Oh? Why not?” asked the friend.

“Well, he plays the french horn, so I guess it’s just habit, but every time we kiss, he sticks his fist up my rear!”

Cruel and Unusual Punishment

-= french horn =-= 29 =---------------------------------------------------------

The wife of a prominent French horn player arrived at her lawyer’s office requesting a divorce from her husband.

“What are the grounds?” asked the lawyer.

“Cruel and unusual punishment,” she replied.

“Could you describe for me exactly what it is that he has done to you?” he asked.

“Well, my husband is a French horn player in the orchestra.
The problem is that every time he kisses me, he thinks that I’m a French horn
and tries to stick his hand up my butt!”

A French Horn Player Out Fishing

-= french horn =-= 30 =---------------------------------------------------------

A Horn-player is fishing. Suddenly he catches a fish! But the fish says to the horn-player:
“If you let me go, I will tell you two important things about your future.
I have good news and I have bad news for you.”

“That’s a deal,” the horn-player says.

“Well, the good news is, when you die, you will play second horn in Heaven, next to Buyanovski!”

“Woooooow!!” the horn-player screams, “that’s great!”

“Yeah,” the fish says, “but the bad news is that you will have to start tomorrow!”

Two Girls at a School Concert

-= french horn =-= 31 =---------------------------------------------------------

Two girls go to a school concert. They have just heard an amazing jazz saxophone solo.
The announcer is getting on stage when one says to the other,

“The next one will be a French Horn solo.”

And sure enough, the announcer confirms her thoughts.

“How did you know?”, asks the other girl.

The first girl replies, “I noticed the stage crew turning the stand backwards.”

Baritone Horn (Euphonium) One-Liners

-= baritone horn =-= 01 =-------------------------------------------------------

01: How do you call a baritone player?
Euphonium.

02: What’s the best way for you to contact a baritone player?
Euphonium.

-= baritone horn =-= 02 =-------------------------------------------------------

03: What do you call a professional euphonium player with a pager and a cell phone?
An optimist.

04: What do you call a baritone player with a beeper?
An optimist.

-= baritone horn =-= 03 =-------------------------------------------------------

05: What should you do if you run over a euphonium?
Back up.

06: What do you do if you run over a euphonium?
Back up, several times if necessary.

-= baritone horn =-= 04 =-------------------------------------------------------

07: What’s the difference between a euphonium and a chain saw?
Vibrato. However, you can minimize this by holding the chain saw very still.

-= baritone horn =-= 05 =-------------------------------------------------------

08: How do you know when a euphonium player is at your door?
His hat says, “Pizza Hut!”

-= baritone horn =-= 06 =-------------------------------------------------------

09: Bumper sticker found on a euphonium player’s car:
Baritones are for losers.

-= baritone horn =-= 07 =-------------------------------------------------------

10: How do you get a euphonium player out of a tree?
Cut the noose.

-= baritone horn =-= 08 =-------------------------------------------------------

11: What are you called if you’re a really bad trumpet player?
A treble clef baritonist.

-= baritone horn =-= 09 =-------------------------------------------------------

12: How do you make a 2^nd baritone player get a good vibrato?
Put the word “solo” above a semibreve (half note).

Tuba One-Liners

-= tuba =-= 01 =----------------------------------------------------------------

01: What’s the range of a tuba?
About twenty yards, if you’ve got a good arm!

-= tuba =-= 02 =----------------------------------------------------------------

02: How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
Three! One to hold the bulb and two to drink ’till the room spins.

03: How many tuba players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: One to hold the bulb, one to hold the lamp and three to drink until the room spins.

04: How many tuba players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Ten. One to change it, and nine to congratulate him down at the pub afterwards.

-= tuba =-= 03 =----------------------------------------------------------------

05: What’s a tuba for?
1 1/2" by 3 1/2" unless you request “full cut.”
Note: in North America, a 2 x 4 is a two-inch by four-inch piece of wood,
which actually measures 1 1/2 inches by 3 1/2 inches.

06: What’s half of a tuba?
A one-ba!

-= tuba =-= 04 =----------------------------------------------------------------

07: What do you clean your sousaphone with?
With a tuba toothpaste.

08: How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.

-= tuba =-= 05 =----------------------------------------------------------------

09: These two tuba players walk past a bar…
Well, it could happen!

10: A tuba player walked by a bar …
Hey, it could happen!

11: These two tuba players walk past a bar…
Oh, wait, you’ve heard that one already, haven’t you?

-= tuba =-= 06 =----------------------------------------------------------------

12: Define “bar line.”
A gathering of tuba players at a popular watering hole.

-= tuba =-= 07 =----------------------------------------------------------------

13: What does a tuba player call a diminished fifth?
An empty bottle of Scotch.

-= tuba =-= 08 =----------------------------------------------------------------

14: Why do tuba players have pea-sized brains?
Because alcohol has swelled them.

-= tuba =-= 09 =----------------------------------------------------------------

15: Why aren’t tubas used in country/western bands?
Because they are HEAVY METAL!!!!

-= tuba =-= 10 =----------------------------------------------------------------

16: How do you get a Tuba to sound like a French Horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and miss all the notes.

-= tuba =-= 11 =----------------------------------------------------------------

17: How do you raise the town’s IQ?
Shoot the tuba player.

-= tuba =-= 12 =----------------------------------------------------------------

18: How do you get two tubas playing in tune?
You shoot one of the players!

-= tuba =-= 13 =----------------------------------------------------------------

19: Why would a tuba player get fired from any office job?
He’s a low character, below the staff, and he spends too much time resting.

20: Why can’t tuba players hold down office jobs?
They are low on character, below the staff, and they spend too much time resting.

-= tuba =-= 14 =----------------------------------------------------------------

21: Why did God give tuba players 5% more brain matter than he did horses?
So they would know not to poop during a parade!

-= tuba =-= 15 =----------------------------------------------------------------

22: There are two tuba players sitting in a car. Who’s driving?
The policeman.

-= tuba =-= 16 =----------------------------------------------------------------

23: Tuba player: “Did you hear my last recital?”
Friend: “I hope so.”

-= tuba =-= 17 =----------------------------------------------------------------

24: “Did you hear about the tuba player on the walk from the law?”
“Don’t you mean ‘on the run’?”
“Come on, when was the last time you saw a tuba player running?”

-= tuba =-= 18 =----------------------------------------------------------------

25: Why should you have to be a tuba player to work for a furnace repair service?
Tuba players know everything about hot air!

-= tuba =-= 19 =----------------------------------------------------------------

26: How do you get a tuba player to stop playing?
Say the first three words of any Monty Python skit.
They’ll be shouting “ni!” for hours.
Hmmmm, maybe you’re better off not speaking to them…

-= tuba =-= 20 =----------------------------------------------------------------

27: Why is a tuba better than a trombone?
1. A tuba doubles as a urinal.
2. More room to hide the bodies.
3. Holds a lot more beer.

-= tuba =-= 21 =----------------------------------------------------------------

28: On a flight recently, a friend of ours decided to start a conversion with his seat mate.
“I’ve got a great Tuba joke,” he began, “would you like to hear it?”
“I should let you know first that I am a tubist,” replied his neighbour.
“That’s okay. I’ll tell it real slow!”

-= tuba =-= 22 =----------------------------------------------------------------

29: What’s the difference between a tuba player and a dead guy who was once strung out on drugs
and wore gay clothing and had no purpose in life because he lived with his parents
and he had no money?
The dead guy is dead.

The Gold Toilet

-= tuba =-= 23 =----------------------------------------------------------------

A guy goes into a bar and gets really drunk.
He decides before he leaves that he needed to go to the bathroom,
so he asks the bartender where the bathroom is.

The bartender says it’s down the hall and on the left.
The man thanked the bartender and goes down the hall and to the right.

When he enters the room he sees a bright shiny gold thing in the corner.
The man thinks, “This place has really got class, what with the gold toilet.”
So the man does his duty and goes home.

The next day he calls up the bar and tells them that he thinks their bar has class because hey have gold toilets.
The bartender puts down the receiver and yells,
“HEY JOE, I THINK WE JUST FOUND THE GUY WHO CRAPPED IN YOUR TUBA!”

Top Ten Reasons to Play Tuba

-= tuba =-= 24 =----------------------------------------------------------------

10) It’s better than playing bagpipes.

9) When you play, people listen.

8) During rehearsal you get to sit in the back of the room.

7) During marching practice you can use the bell to block out the sun.

6) People hold doors open for you.

5) You don’t have to wear those silly hats.

4) Many girls do prefer guys with large instruments.

3) You can say “Here comes Niagara…” right before emptying your tuning slide.

2) You’ll never be blamed for being the one with the squeaky reed.

1) BECAUSE I PLAY TUBA!!!!.

Top Ten Uses For Tubas

-= tuba =-= 25 =----------------------------------------------------------------

10) A musical instrument.

9) A floatation device.

8) Something flute players can’t keep their hands off.

7) A mirror.

6) Punishment. (freshmen + Keith carry heavy tubas all year).

5) A battering ram.

4) A chair.

3) Babe Magnet.

2) Trash Can (freshmen + Keith’s tubas).

1) Storage Container for music, field show charts, soda, food, tools, towels, and koosh balls!!

The Tuba Solo

-= tuba =-= 26 =----------------------------------------------------------------

An orchestra is rehearsing a piece in which the tuba has a solo after 84 bars rest.
At the point where the tuba should start the solo, nothing happens.
So, the conductor stops and asks the tuba player why he didn’t play.

“I have 84 bars rest,” says the tubist.

To which the conductor replies, “But we are past those 84 bars already.”

The tubist: “How should I know that?”

The conductor replies, “You can count, can’t you?”

The tubist: “Do you call that rest?”

Performing Beethoven’s Ninth

-= tuba =-= 27 =----------------------------------------------------------------

A symphony was performing Beethoven’s 9th in a park one afternoon,
but it was so windy that the musicians had to tie their music to the stands.
When the tubas finished playing their part in the first movement, they decided,
as they had two movements of rests, to sneak off to the pub across the street.

So they sat in the pub, downed a few, and listened to the orchestra.

When they heard the pickups to their part they threw money on the counter and stumbled into the street.
They could barely keep from falling over as they ran to pick up their tubas,
but even worse, they couldn’t untie the music.
They were pulling and tugging but the string was so tight that they fell over from the effort.

Just then, the conductor looked back and thought,
“Oh lord, it’s the bottom of the 9th, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded!”

Marching Band One-Liners

-= marching band =-= 01 =-------------------------------------------------------

01: A joke: one year at band camp.

-= marching band =-= 02 =-------------------------------------------------------

02: What has 32 feet, and an I.Q. of 33?
The flag core.

-= marching band =-= 03 =-------------------------------------------------------

03: What is the most commonly heard phrase at any college Saturday morning dress rehearsal?
“Damn, it smells like a brewery! Oh, here comes the drum-line!”

-= marching band =-= 04 =-------------------------------------------------------

04: What do you call two trumpet players and three tuba players walking into a strip club?
Horny!

-= marching band =-= 05 =-------------------------------------------------------

05: How many flag twirlers does it take to change a lightbulb?
What’s a lightbulb?

06: How many Notre Dame Marching Band members does it take to change a lightbulb?
225 – one to change the bulb, 24 to play the fight song,
and 200 to check the University’s standings in the national lightbulb-changing polls.

-= marching band =-= 06 =-------------------------------------------------------

07: What do you call a drum line member that doesn’t like heavy metal?
A trumpet player with a split lip.

-= marching band =-= 07 =-------------------------------------------------------

08: What do drum line members do after they graduate high school?
Retire and live off social security.

-= marching band =-= 08 =-------------------------------------------------------

09: What’s the difference between a drum line and shoes in the dryer?
Nothing.

-= marching band =-= 09 =-------------------------------------------------------

10: “Hey buddy, how late does the band play?”
“Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer.”

-= marching band =-= 10 =-------------------------------------------------------

11: Overheard during a routine band rehearsal:
“Everybody go back to bar 108 and we’ll start there,” said the Navy Band director.
One lost musician looked down at his music and said,
“Where is that, sir? Only bar 109 is marked in my score!”

Top Ten Ways to Piss Off your Drum Major

-= marching band =-= 11 =-------------------------------------------------------

10) Listen intently to his instructions. Do exactly the opposite.
Insist that that was what he said to begin with.

9) Empty spit exactly in the spot where he steps down from the podium.
Get the entire brass section to do this. Often.

8) Harass the cheerleaders. Blame the comments on the drum major.

7) Invent your own tempo. Stick to your guns, no matter how big his beats are
or how much he glares at you.

6) “Confess” to your band director that you just can’t follow such bad conducting and obscured beats.

5) Drop vital instrument parts during drill (this includes bells, foot joints, slides, etc.).

4) Wait until he’s just finished an hour of basics reviewing. “Forget” to step off on your left foot. Repeatedly.

3) Whenever you see him trying to find his tempo, immediately start singing, playing,
or tapping your foot loudly and out of tempo. Annoyingly infectious songs,
or songs in a completely different meter, are especially effective.

2) Wait until the busses have left before looking surprised and announcing loudly,
“No one told us to take our uniforms off the bus, too!”
or, “You mean they aren’t coming back to unload the instruments?!”
NOTE: the above are best performed by at least three people for maximum chaos.

And the Number One Way
to Piss Off Your Drum Major is …

1) In your sweetest and most respectful voice, ask him,
“As God, why can’t you make our team win a game?”
Look serious. Expect an answer. Wait for one.

Additional Suggestions …

1) Leave an important uniform or instrument pieces in the stands.
Leave another one when you go to get it.
Works best if you use a stupefied look when asked where said object is.

Top Ten Ways To Know
You’ve Been in the Band Too Long

-= marching band =-= 12 =-------------------------------------------------------

10) You actually like marching and would kill to do it year round.

9) The drummers start to make sense to you.

8) You stay in step with the people around you when you walk.

7) You direct to the songs on the radio.

6) You wonder what life will be like after band.

5) You roll step while walking to class.

4) You think Louie, Louie is the best song ever written.

3) You major in music in college and use your band director as a role model.

2) You start screaming “LEFT”, “LEFT”, “LEFT”
to the people that walk in front of you on the way to class.

1) You can relate to three of more of these things.

Two More Ways…

1) You start thinking that trumpet players have a right to be egotistical.

2) The drummers actually start making sense to you!

Band Dictionary for the Leigh High School
Band and Music Department

-= marching band =-= 13 =-------------------------------------------------------

This one is a collection in its own right and simply too good to pass up.

It comes from the Leigh High School Marching Band and Music Department, and permission to reproduce it
has been given with the proviso that there is a link back to the original page.

¾ TIME – A way to keep the band continuously out of step.

AIR – The driving force behind brass instruments, but generally lacks in woodwinds, therefore causing squeaks.

AIR-BAND – A form of enforced hyper-ventilation
(a violation of the 8th Amendment’s cruel and unusual punishment law).

ALTO SAXOPHONE – A musical instrument that either plays very loudly or not at all between squeaks.

ARC – A shape with between one and five corners and one open side.

ASSISTANT DRUM MAJOR – Takes over for drum major when not available.

ASTROTURF – A substance which is credited to be the only reason Leigh ever made second place in the 1996 season.

ATTENTION – Standing still while sticking out your butt.
Can only talk in whispers so that no captains or other leaders hear you.

AUXILIARY – See color-guard.

BAIL – That which one (often Mike Susoev) does on a wet field.
Generally, the person who bails (the bailer) winds up on the ground (the bailee).

BAND CAMP – A time of gathering between most band geeks (including color guard) for six days during August,
where they learn how to hunt raccoons and sneak out of cabins in search of real food
(such as the Pepsi machine, which brings together the biggest collection of ones and quarters you’ve ever seen!)

BAND GEEK – Someone who is very enthusiastic and involved in band. Willing to give up all free time.

BAND JACKET – 1. Status symbol. 2. Proclamation of true geekdom.

BAND PARENTS – The only parents that a band geek sees between August and December.
The only reason the band is held together.

BAND PARTY – A gathering of Band Geeks where they can wear their Band Jackets,
play cards and capture-the-flag, and complain about the latest rehearsal and upcoming competitions.

BARI-SAXOPHONE – An instrument for woodwind saxophone players who want to play like a tuba.

BARITONE – A device for doubling with trombones except using the right notes.
Also used for playing during silence.

BASS CLARINET – A concert instrument that, when used properly, is still not heard.

BASSOON – An unusual hybrid between a bass clarinet and oboe which remains unused in marching.

BATHROOM OF DOOM – An object designed to really get to know the people
(and their characteristic smells) in the back of the bus.

BELL-DINGING – A physical symbol of a mistake made in the last move.
Usually followed by ’shups.

BELL-FRONT INSTRUMENT – Always brass, these are directional instruments
designed to play extremely loudly.

BI-SECTIONAL – The term given to one who plays different instruments for different ensembles.

BONFIRE – A device for celebrating the use of a dot book, drill, and music
(including, but not limited to, Pomp and Circumstance).

BRAIN FART – A mistake involving an escape of gaseous substances from the head,
usually in conjunction with missing a set.

BRASS – Metallic looking and sounding devices designed to over-blow and blast.

BRASS TREE – A tree located near the marching field where brass members go
after they utter the all-important meaning-of-life phrase: “I gotta go…”

BRING ON THE MEN – A terrible musical selection for the band in their 1995 season,
but great career training for the color-guard.

BROOM – The object used by most band members to “sweep.”

BUS – 1. A good way to get to know someone
(nudge, nudge, wink, wink, if you know what I mean),
however the most painful way in the world to watch a movie.
Also known for the Bathroom of Doom.
2. The only way to see a pigeon at 65 MPH.

CADENCE – A way of making the crowd forget the parade march the band just played that impresses people.
Good time for band section visuals.

CAMP STAFF – Student leaders of band camp.
They organize the week and act as counselors in the cabins.

CAPTAIN – Leader of a section who tries to keep their section
out of complete chaos in order to make themselves look good.

CAPTURE-THE-FLAG – A way of summoning the local police (including helicopter).

CARDS – 52 rectangular devices of equal size and width which each have respective numbers,
symbols, and colors on them which keep band geeks continually entertained.

CDs – Thin circular devices with a 5.25" diameter and a hole in the middle
that are manufactured by companies such as Microsoft, Apple, and America Online
to be used for marking one’s place on the field when learning new sets.

CHAIR, The – A device used for good luck at competitions and to increase the vibe amongst geeks.

CHEAP HIGH – A form of rhythmic hyper-ventilation done for fun.

CHERRY COKE – A liquid substance which is almost as important to Band Geeks
as valve oil and sombreros, although it is drunk in larger quantities than valve oil.

CIRCLE – A closed shape with definite corners and edges.

CLARINET – A device which, when used properly, will cause the user’s shoulders to point towards the end-zone.

COLLAR – Something thy hair shalt never touch.

COLOR-GUARD – People who swing flags and toss rifles to distract the audience’s attention
away from the band. Makes the band seem better.
Get extra credit if they hit (accidentally, of course) a band member,
yet denied if they hit a field judge.

COMPANY FRONT – A zigzag line within a certain area of the field, such as a hash: ~~~~~~

COMPETITION – A general gathering of band geeks to show that each ones band is better than the others.

CONCERT – Extremely dangerous form of torture for both students and audience.
Fatal if used in duration exceeding one hour.

CONCERTO – A musical piece that is written for the express reason of singling out
one single player from the band to humiliate himself alone in a performance.
This technique has successfully been mastered by Mr. Warren Baim.

CONDUCTING – The Drum Major’s method of amusing the band to points of laughter at times.

CONDUCTOR – The person in the front who waves his arms and dances wildly to the music.
Constantly marks time during halts.

CONTRA – A tuba that is snapped onto and off of the player’s shoulder.
Designed to build up arm muscles and decrease brain activity.
Name was chosen for being sexier than “Sousaphone.”

CONTRA BASS CLARINET – A large, metallic, clarinet-like instrument that is designed
to play in the range of a tuba, but is often mistaken for the kitchen sink.

CRESCENDO TURN – An obsolete action, which means: It sucked.

DCI – Drum corps championship series. Extremely rough comparison:
If Leigh is a green Pinto, DCI is a Lamborghini.

DEATH MARCH – The direct result of a Christmas parade being marched slowly to a fast song.

DIRECTOR – The person who claims to be in charge when everything is going well
and claims denial when things go wrong.

DISKETTES – Devices made to be thrown in a similar style to that of a Frisbee
across the marching field prior to rehearsals.
This action can also be done with CDs.

DIVINE COMEDY – Watching the drum major attempt to keep a correct tempo.
Oh yeah, I guess it’s also Leigh’s 1997 field show,
the most successful show in the school’s history.

DOLLAR BILL – A device for cleaning saxophone pads.

DOOR – A spontaneously located area of the field where you go if not willing to participate.

DOT BOOK – A small notebook to be kept in pocket that has complex drawings and strange numbers
that people say are their spots for each picture.
Designed to keep people from learning music.

DOUBLE REED – A good way to make a band member’s face look like they just ate a lemon.

DR. BEAT – A form of cruel and unusual punishment (violation of the 8th Amendment)
that is bestowed over a loudspeaker when working on already-learned music.

DRILL – Pages that show what a form is supposed to look like. Should be burned at year’s end.

DRILL-DOWN – When band geeks follow long sets of commands from the drum major,
just to see who can do it, in an attempt at fun.
It is only “fun” when this name is used, however, not during rehearsal.

DRUM CAPTAIN – The leader of the percussion section who’s main requirement for the job
is to not be able to hold a steady tempo.

DRUM CORPS – Very similar to marching band, except for a few differences:
1)They are good. 2)No woodwinds. Coincidence?

DRUM-TAP – A snare beat loud enough for the judges to hear, and quiet enough so band doesn’t hear.

DRUM-LINE – The people hitting the drums (or each other) with sticks in time with each other,
but either a half beat earlier or later than the band and one beat from the pit.

DRUM MAJOR – See conductor.

DRUM – Round hollow devices with covering on the top and sometimes the bottom. Loud.

DYNAMICS – Either loud or louder (volume).

EARLY – To never be. Reasoning: To be early is to be on time,
while to be on time is to be late, but to be late is to never be.
Following this through, early is to never be. (Thank you to Billy Kakes for this logic.)

ECHO – What a band geek should hear after a good cut-off.
I’m not sure what it sounds like, though, so I can’t explain it.

EXPONENTIAL GROWTH – The mathematical reasoning behind the fact that
when one flute graduates, two new freshmen take her place.

F.C.P.L. – A brass dynamic marking that stands for “Forget Control - Play Loud!”

FIELD – 100 yards in length, this is a wide expanse of mud on which bands perform.
Contained within the area of this expanse are frequent sprinklers with occasional patches of grass.

FLASH CUBE – A small object containing four light bulbs that is activated by littering the ground with paper clips.
The object of these devices is to blind all marchers. This is an excellent method for creating free-form moves.

FLUTE – An untuned device for people who want to be in the band who have weak arms and don’t wish to be heard.
Great odds for guys, such as Patrick Lydon, though.

FOOD – “Fuel” for band geeks. Is an attacker of performance uniforms,
but can still be eaten (in secrecy) in this state of being.

FOOTBALL TEAM – The main reason the band can’t always use the marching field.

FORMER BAND GEEK – The name given to a person who was in band, quit, and now returns
(usually with food) to rehearsals to watch just for fun.

FORTE – The lowest dynamic marking a brass instrument can play at.

FRENCH HORN – Only brass instrument that is played with left hand.
Involves strings in conjunction with valves and an impossibility to play fast or loud.

FRESHMEN – Designed to make up half the size of the band.

FRESHMAN INITIATION – A form of entertainment to all alumni/upper-classmen.

FULL UNIFORM – A form of torture consisting of Urkel pants, a heavy wool jacket,
a choking ugly hat (with that strikingly beautiful yet flammable plume),
and circulation-stopping suspenders.

FUND-RAISERS – Opportunities provided throughout the year for the adult staff to yell at band members
while making a few extra bucks on the side. Results of these are used to double standard teacher’s salary.

GEEKDOM – The state of a band member who is willing to give up all free time during season.

GEEKISM – Something that is related to marching band which spontaneously happens
(such as walking with friends down the hall in step or whistling warm-ups or scales without thinking about it).

GONG – A loud, large cymbal-like device.
It is the goal of all good percussionists to break or crack this instrument in any way possible.

GRADUATED BAND GEEK – Someone who no longer attends the school or is over-age for a drum corps.,
so he is no longer in the band or corps. Example: Chris Lambert.

GREEN SHIRT – An article of clothing that is washed once a year.
A key part of the travel uniform and pep band uniform. Melts when it burns.

HALT – A time when everyone is theoretically stopped.

HARMONY – All voices except the melody and percussion.

HELL – Inferno, Saturday rehearsals, and camp food.

HIGH-MARK-TIME – An action that only occurs when the marcher is standing on mud
(most of the time, at Leigh!) or when one forgets to wear suspenders to a competition.

HORN-POP – A method the keep the pit from going completely deaf when brass instruments
pass directly behind them by pointing bells toward the sky.
Not recommended for flutes or clarinets.

HUEVOS – (slang) A pair of devices which are designed to contain energy,
which is to be released in the form of air through a brass instrument.

INFERNO – The name of our 1997 opener, as well as the band’s theme song.

INSTRUCTOR – Person who tells you when you’re screwing up.

INSTRUMENT – A device used for torture.

INTERVAL – A space between two band members that is as random as “Gavorkna’s” tempo.

IQ – A constant combined number that does not change as the size of the band does.

JACK STAMP – See Jekyll & Hyde.

JEKYLL & HYDE – Something best left unremembered.

KEYBOARD – The layout of most pit instruments.

LAPS – An alternate to ’shups, although not as effective.

LATE – See ’shups.

MAC TRUCK – An undefined variable for incorrect intervals invented by Rich Alipaz.

MALLET – Something which can only be thrown by Richard Talley.

MANLY TAP – Something that Rich Talley fails to achieve.

MARCHING BARITONE – A version of a baritone created based on
enhancements over the successful design of a Marching French Horn.

MARCHING FRENCH HORN – An instrument designed to be unable to tune,
kill all freshman who attempt to keep the horn up, and make it impossible to snap.

MARCHING SHOES – Ugly, comfy, relatively inexpensive footwear.

MARK-TIME – A time when people only move their feet (without changing location)
to some tempo, usually “to the beat of a different drum.”

MELLOPHONE – A tunable version of a marching French horn (is there such a thing?)
used by drum corps and many schools. Based on a trumpet design.

MELODY – The loudest voice, usually carried by the trumpets or piccolos.

MEMORIZATION – An action that is supposed to take place in conjunction with sets and music
between band camp and the commencement of the regular year, but does not generally happen,
except for the captain, until ’shups are issued or the year is completed.

MEZZO-FORTE – The highest dynamic marking of any woodwind excluding the piccolo.

MISTING – The meteorological term that the adult staff use for saying,
“It’s raining, but we don’t give a #@$*.”

MOUTHPIECE – A critical piece to a brass instrument, which is meant to be dropped
or thrown onto grass, loud stages, and/or sometimes mud if not forgotten.
Droppage of this device often results in ’shups. Also an attractant of lawn mowers.

MOVIES – The other way to keep busy on the bus,
a major contributing factor to amusement at band parties along with capture-the-flag.

MUD – A substance that the school wishes to grow and therefore waters the field every night
in hopes of increasing (see exponential growth).

MUSIC – 1. Papers which contain little black lines and dots with strange symbols
that somehow show what the music is to sound like.
2. The succession of these notes that, in theory, should sound good.
Unfortunately, we’re not all in Theory – we’re in Marching Band.

NOTES – 1. Little round dots on lines that show the approximate pitch that the instrument player tries to hit.
2. The language of music, similar to “BASIC,” “Pascal,” or “C” for computers.

NUMBER A, NUMBER B, ETC. – A non-linear form of counting invented by T.L.

OBOE – A double-reed instrument used for obtaining a clarinet sound in a piccolo range.

ON TIME – To never be. See reasoning for early.

ORGANISM – When used in conjunction with huevos, leads to the climax of excitement.

OVERLAY – A shiny part of the front of the uniform designed to enhance the effects of a flash cube.

PARADE-REST – A form of relaxation while standing up.
Little talking, but some required to keep band geeks sane.

PEDAL – A low vibration tone produced by brass instruments when jaw is loosened.
Noise is sometimes mistaken for the conventional brain fart.

PENCIL TEST – A test, often failed by freshmen,
designed to help bell-front instrument players keep their horns up and even with the ground.

PEP BAND – An ensemble that goes to football and basketball games
with the sole purpose of embarrassing themselves.
Slouching, sitting around, and eating is allowed. Sombreros are expected.

PEP BAND UNIFORM – Green shirt, blue jeans, sombrero, and a death wish.

PERCUSSION – The group of instruments hit by sticks or mallets that keeps some beat or other.

PERFORMANCE – See concert.

PIANO – A form of “air-band” playing style.

PICCOLO – A high-pitched instrument similar to that of the flute,
only you can actually hear that it’s out of tune.

PICCOLO TRUMPET – An instrument designed to do the same job as a trumpet
with some minor enhancements – since it’s an octave higher.

PIGEONS – A truly unique bird that has only one known natural enemy:
The windshield of a bus at 65 MPH.

PIT – Percussion instruments that have pitches (like a piano)
that play either half a beat earlier or later than the band, opposite of the drum line.

PLANETS – Big round spheres that make up the solar system,
which became the object that Leigh’s 1998 field show was based upon.

PLUME – The most dangerous part of the full uniform because of it’s flammability:
Takes two seconds to burn properly.

POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE – A painful form of obligation by every band geek
during three of their four years in high school.
An extremely useful and effective form of torture for underclassmen.

PRACTICE – The constant repetition of a sequence of notes in an unsuccessful attempt to become skilled.
Usually drives family members either away from home or insane.

PRACTICE GLOVES – A natural method of scientific proof that there are two types of dirt:
Dark dirt that is attracted to light objects and light dirt which is attracted to dark objects!

PSEUDO-GEEK – Somebody who isn’t in band but thinks he is.
Attends band parties, competitions, and rehearsals.
This is not to be confused with a former band geek, or graduated band geek.
See also wannabe band geek.

PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION (P.D.A.) – A touchy (literally), debatable subject among band geeks.
Something that happens regardless of what rules exist or peer pressure is made on people.
Something that happens on the bus, in the stands, during water breaks, before and after rehearsals,
during lunch and dinner breaks, on the Band Table, at Band Parties, and just about anywhere else
where the rest of the band is forced to watch a couple be disgustingly cutesy together.

PUZZLE – A two-dimensional object that is displayed at band camp,
which takes three days to make, and thirty seconds to forget.

RACCOONS – The most popular form of food at band camp.
Good with a side of veal, tasting kind of like a mix between chicken and vixen.
A worthy opponent to Shawn Morton.

RAIN – Nature’s way of telling the band to go inside and practice music.

REED – 1. A piece of wood that makes a great excuse for not playing well
(particularly for brass instruments) if broken or brand new.
Usages: “Sorry, new reed,” or “I broke my reed.”
2. A device used to efficiently cut one’s finger.
3. Emily or Laura.

REHEARSAL – Time used by band geeks to forget anything learned during practice.

RESETTING – Definitions vary by sections.
Woodwind: Wander aimlessly for three minutes and talk quietly.
Brass: Run as fast as you can back to your set yelling at the top of your lungs
and slipping in the mud then doing pushups.
Battery: Wander and swear as you walk slowly back to your set.
Color Guard: Prance back to your set and avoid getting hit by stupid, yelling brass players.
Pit: Sit there and laugh your @$$ off while you watch this three minutes of confusion.

RIFLE – 1. A white-colored piece of wood used by the color guard
that is intended for injury of band or color guard members and breakage of nails.
2. An impressive show of arm strength and coordination by the guard.
Unfortunately, live ammunition is not granted as well.

ROLL-STEP – Method in which a geek should walk if his shoes are round on the bottom. Not bouncing.

SABRE – A piece of color-guard equipment which the guard prefers over rifles
and is also more dangerous. Coincidence?

SECRET PALS – Designated person who gives candy, drinks, toys,
and wishes of good luck to another member of the band.
The cover is “band unity,” but it’s really an excuse to get good stuff!

SENIOR – A source of constant guilt trips.

SFZ-PIANO-CRESCENDO – The act of blatting, stopping, then blasting.

SHOW COORDINATOR – Person who creates and draws all of the inanimate useless objects
that the band attempts to form.

’SHUPS – Sometimes called “pushups,” these you do when something goes wrong due to you.
Usually done in increments or multiples of ten or fifteen.
Designed as a method of self-discipline.

SITTING-AROUND – An action carried out when sitting on busses on in sands,
in which band members rely on perpetual motion to keep from sitting
in the same place for more than thirty seconds.

SLOUCHING – An action best displayed by the Pep Band and concert bands.
Even if it’s bad for playing, it’s great for the back!

SLOW – What only Kyle Shimamoto can do well, but what is usually not supposed to happen.

SNAP – Instantly changing a horn’s position from attention to “horns up” or vice-versa.
Havoc for someone in front of a snapped instrument.

SOMBREROS – 1. A form of status symbolism or intensity; An expression of rank.
2. A required piece of the Pep Band uniform.
3. Accepted dress at Band Parties.

SOUSAPHONE – An instrument that adds bass to the band.
Can play any note as long as it’s a low G.

SPACE-CHORD – A chord where each member plays whatever note he feels like.
Used so that band members (especially freshmen who aren’t used to us) get used to what we sound like.

SPAM – An artificial meat substance that almost sounds appetizing after band camp’s food.

SPANDEX® – God’s gift to mankind.
A privilege, not a right!

SPARTAN WARM-UPS – A completely useless form of warm-up exercises.

SPRINKLER(S) – An offensive attacker of the pit and color guard.

SQUEAK – The only sign that the woodwind reeds give that they are actually playing.

STAFF – Adult leaders who arrange music, write drill, etc.,
but do not perform in order to avoid embarrassment from their own creations.
Not to be confused with camp staff.

STANDING – What the brass-line does at band camp.
Woodwinds do not accomplish this feat due to their weak legs (in most cases).
There are a few exceptions to this weakness, but they don’t stand anyway.

STRETCH OUT – A term geeks frequently misunderstand as “time to talk.”

SUSPENDERS – The most effective way to strangle a band geek while still keeping their pants up.

TELEPHONE – A communication device that must be answered by Mike Bethune.

TEMPO – The correct beat, usually (but not always) carried by the conductor.

TENOR-SAXOPHONE – An instrument similar to the bari-saxophone,
except it matches the pitch of a trombone or baritone.

TRAVEL UNIFORM – Consists of a green shirt, white pants, white shoes,
and a pile of potato chips and other junk in your lap. This torturous device
(although it is unanimously agreed upon that this is better than the full uniform)
is inflicted during bus travel.

TRUMPET – An instrument that is designed to make a band sound better.
The idea is that if the trumpets play loud enough, you can’t hear the rest of the band,
so only the trumpets’ mistakes are heard, not everyone else’s.

TROMBONE – A device with the same pitch as a baritone, except that it uses a slide
instead of valves, so it’s easier to forget the position(s).

TUBA – A concert sousaphone.

TUNE – What the condition when all instruments are within half a step of each other is called.

VACUUM MAN – A band member who has nothing better to do on A-days
than wake up and come to school early to vacuum the band room (Joey Weitz).
Form of payment: Starbucks hot chocolate.

VALVE – A key object on most brass instruments that sticks only during important performances and solos.

VALVE OIL – Exquisitely tasteful with a twist of lemon. A form of currency for brass players.
Most important ingredient to a beverage known as “Valve Oil Daiquiri.”

VIBE, The – A frequent occurrence after long exposure to fellow Band Geeks during intense competitions
or rehearsals, usually resulting in obsessive compulsive behavior directed towards the band.
Know effects are few and are rarely, if ever, reversible.
Believed by some to be a sign of mental illness.
Scientists are stumped, and frankly, don’t care why it occurs.

VISUAL – A way of keeping marching band members busy during a show.
Extra credit received if used against an on-field judge.

WANNABE BAND GEEK – Someone who hangs out with true band geeks.

WATER BREAK – An excuse for doing headstands on the field or playing hacky-sack.

WHITE PANTS – An article of clothing that is worn to collect mud
during Saturday rehearsals when a competition follows the rehearsal.

“WHO’S JACK STAMP?” – The most common thing heard during the 1996 marching season.

WOODWINDS – 1. A true sign that God has a sense of humor.
2. A biological mistake.

YELLING – An expressive way of trying to prove that one is more committed than the next person.
This is a self-destructive way of spending any rehearsal, yet we seem to continue in this practice more and more.
This is often connected with “the vibe” and being intense.